A day in the life of...

Eternal Listener...

2011-12-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

We live in a world that is driving us to be independent, to be our own island and that it is Me, Myself and I that can get us through everything. 'It is me and me alone that I can rely upon', and time after time when we are let down and hurt all we are left with is ourselves.

I don't buy it. Any of it.

Ipad, Ipod, Iphone. I don't need just 'I' I need something/someone to support me, hold me, challenge me and pick me up. Call me dependent, weak or even pathetic but I'd rather struggle knowing that I can and am able to place my burdens on someone else than knowing I'm struggling and there is no-one to help me. The latter isn't freedom or independence; that is loneliness. That is sad. That breaks my heart.

And yet for all those people, that are on the brink of utter despair from the loneliness and the devastation that it brings there is the simplest solution...

He is all I've ever needed, He is all I will ever need and He is the bearer of all my thoughts, tears, cries and problems...

God.

It may seem like the obvious answer if you've ever read my previous blogs or it may seem like the most ridiculous answer that's ever been suggested.

But God sent His only son to die brutally and excruciatingly on the cross just so He could be closer to YOU. Just so that you never have to feel alone again, just so that when you are are upset or angry you can tell Him and He can listen.

An eternal, faithful, steadfast friend. Can't ask better than that!? Ask yourself this: IF any of that is true, wouldn't it be amazing? IF He was there 24/7; next time you closed the door and showed the mess you really are and feel, wouldn't it be great to tell someone about it who wouldn't judge or sneer or be distracted?

In a world where people struggle to sacrifice a minute of their time or even to let someone out of a junction knowing there is a God who wants to listen is pretty flippin' amazing don't you think?

Answers from God...

2011-10-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

I was looking back over some notes from Mobilise and I come across this conversation that I've had with God. My memory is often fuzzy, so a pat on the back for writing it down. It was so refreshing and funny to read it and to be reminded of it again.

I could have asked a million deeper questions or requested something massive, but in this instance I asked a very weak and pathetic 'what if' question. As if the God of the universe needs to listen to a 'what if' question!

To give a little context to the conversation (which, perhaps rather riskily I will put up) a friend of mine is going through a really hard time and is in a difficult situation, which does not make it massively easy from where I am to support them. But, God has given me this friendship and a heart for this person so it is my responsibility and should be my joy to support them.

Context briefly given, the conversation went a little like this (with no gender specifics to make it a bit more anonymous):

"You are to be their support and their friend"

Me-"But what if they turn me away?"

"Then you keep trying. You keep fighting. You don't lose hope."

Granted it was a short and sweet conversation, but there is little more to be said when God Almighty says something as incredible like that to you.

I still find it incredible that even with a simple, weak question like that, God takes the time of day to listen and answer. Its with those words that I know what God wants me to do and it's clear that God has given me the privilege of such an influential position in that person's life.

I just love the fact that Job moaned, Jonah ran, I questioned...and He answered us all.

God's Steadfast Love vs. Human's Wavering Heart...

2011-10-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

So today I heard some potentially bad news, but on reflection I found myself praising God for it. He blessed me with the most amazing conversation, that set everything straight in my head and brought great clarity to me. What a great God I have!

I came away thinking how amazing is His love!? It is constant and steadfast and never changing.

On Earth we go through constant change in love and our interaction with people and yet God remains the same. When one day we could love one person and the next be broken-hearted, God continues in His love for us and never takes it away.

Being loved by someone is undoubtedly one of the greatest feelings in the world, so imagine how incredible it is to be loved by the one that made you and planned and numbered your days!

Our love can be fleeting and wavering but God's love never is, how incredible! I hurt God constantly with my foolish ways and yet He loves me unconditionally, not because He's weak and needs me, but because He knows how much I need Him.

His love encompasses me and brings me peace and comfort. And it is with that happy thought that I am going to bed!

Goodbye Comfort Zone!

2011-09-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

This is the year that I have been waiting for, the year that I knew was going to happen and the year that was totally all God's doing.

Now that it is here I'm beginning to understand that this year is going to be more than just teaching, it's going to be me growing hugely. I may say that at the start of every term but I truly can see it happening already.

Aside from the academic side of things and delving into the spiritual side; God is challenging me and I'm not really sure where my comfort zone is anymore. In the past few months I can see a drastic change in myself; more so than the past few years combined in some ways.

It started with the little things, but now I'm seeing that its spilling over onto the big things. God is teaching me to swallow the little (foolish and undeserved) pride I had and to go for it!

I've left the realms of ease behind and I'm putting myself out on the ledge of discomfort.

Granted, not in all areas. When it comes to matters of the heart I am still trying to leave it in God's hands, and His lack of response is teaching me to be patient and to chill out about it. Again, another trait that is evolving in me.

Take last Sunday, I was asked to pray for people and it was through being chucked in the deep end that I did! Not through my strength, I can assure you but through His! My journey home was spent praising God at the top of my voice in my car, because of how thankful I am for the opportunity. A purely God-given opportunity. I'm not sure what's happening to me, but I think I've switched on. I think God has shaken me up and is pushing me to reach the potential He has for me.

I can see now that the last years have been the ground work and now I'm starting to see the harvest. Starting to see the fruition of a word given to me a while ago; ahhh God's jigsaw is starting to make sense to my little eyes. And to think...before the world began He knew every piece of it!

The latest word for me is the one that I am going to end on:

"This is a new season of standing on the edge and testing the waters. Get ready to say goodbye to the comfort zone!"

Gulp! I'll let you know how it goes! (12.10.11)

Inspiring Women...

2011-08-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

Recently at a prayer meeting I was in a small prayer group with my close friend and two older ladies. Admittedly my first choice of 'prayer partners' would have been my close friends but having these two women proved to be a real blessing. Both of these women are mothers and wives and it was incredible being prayed for by them.

Straight away they volunteered to pray for me and began laying their hands on me. It was amazing! They prayed with such conviction, power and expectation that I felt ashamed to have been so passive and faithless. Their prayers over me were so full of love and anticipation that I was taken unawares and God really met with me. They spoke into my life with wisdom and full of caring hearts that I felt privileged to be prayed for by them.

It highlighted to me their importance within the church family and how crucial they are to its growth and character. It is so easy to look up to those in the spotlight, but its the mothers and the wives that have brought up families and been steadfast wives throughout the years that I want to give praise to today.

These women put me to shame with their seemingly boundless faith and their high levels of expectations; their age and past experiences haven't made them cynical or faithless, rather it has made them more full of faith. And there I was 20 years their junior struggling to be expectant at all. It's women like that, that I aspire to be like; the women that have fought long battles, been strongholds during storms and have stood steadfast through it all to come out the other side as strong women of God; warriors ready to fight and full of faith on God's adventure.

They deserve honouring.

I want to be a warrior as they are; to bring up a united family, that loves and serves one another, to have a strong marriage that can take the unpredictability of life, to be prayerful and in that be expectant and full of faith and no matter what the past has been like to look forward to the future and be constantly in love with God.

Today this blog is for you, you incredible women of God. I aspire to someday be as priceless as you are, for you truly are a rarity.

Job (1)...

2011-08-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

Whilst talking with a friend the other day we both came to the rather sorry conclusion that whilst back in our hometown our relationships with God become a little more static. We have so much time on our hands and yet instead of using it to pray or read the Bible etc we spend it aimlessly watching films or sleeping! I realised that I hadn't read my Bible in quite a while and therefore set about changing that unfortunate fact.

Since the Mobilise conference I've been thinking about reading Job, now I wondered about whether reading something perhaps a little easier; something less challenging, something that I knew really well and could easily get through within a few days. Admittedly it was a stupid attitude to have and I started Job despite my initial reservations and I am so glad I did...I haven't been able to put it down! It's an amazing book and I wish I had shown more enthusiasm for it!

I find it incredible how Job handles his loss and pain but also how He speaks to God. He doesn't hold back. He is not shy or reserved before His God and thinking about it why should he be? After all God knows His thoughts and feelings, so why should he suppress them and pretend? God is our Father, our comforter, maker and friend so why hold back when all He wants is to be involved in every aspect of our lives and have a deep relationship with us. Job is admittedly foolish in some of the things that he accuses God of, but it is undoubtedly immensely accurate to the human emotion. He expresses questions and anger at God that we all at some point have done. What makes it more interesting is that His friends try to talk sense into him but he refuses to listen and continues his ranting towards God, desperately waiting for an answer.

I'm up to chapter 26 and God still hasn't answered and Job is still moaning. It's amazing reading how such a Godly man is struggling to accept all that has come his way and how he openly argues with God. It makes me realise how silly we are to argue with God but also how it is our human nature to question God. It is simply amazing that God doesn't just destroy us when we complain, but He takes it on and listens and listens and listens. There will be more on Job as I read on!

Stay awake...

2011-07-25T15:44:00.001-07:00

It has been so easy to sit inside a Christian bubble and believe that although bad things happen to everyone, there are some things that just don't happen to Christians. As I've grown up and become a little wiser and more knowledgeable I know it's not true. It's been dangerous (not to mention foolish) when I've lived in the attitude of thinking that these things won't affect my church, my friends or my family. And it's when I've had this naive attitude that I've let my guard down and I am taken by surprise when a bad circumstance does come along.

I've realised that we are in late times and in these late times we are facing struggles more and more.

I've learned that I need to stay awake and alert and to be aware of all that goes on around me.

Be vigilant. Be wary.

It's when we take our eyes off the ultimate prize that we slip from the road, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus but still maintain the reality that I am not invincible that there will be circumstances that are thrown in my path that will trip me up and that may not be very pleasant.

I've stayed asleep too long in my own bubble, and it's time to pinch myself and realise that I do live in a very real world with very real hurt and pain.

Processing all that has been said...

2011-07-15T09:15:00.001-07:00

It's been a hectic week down on the coast! I've been in Brighton with thousands to meet, learn and worship an incredible God!
I'm sitting in the car now slowly processing all that has happened and how I feel about it. God has been speaking to me so much and challenging me but it's not until now that it's starting to sink in!

So keep your eye out, because no doubt I'll be blogging all about it

Church on the Farm...

2011-06-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

After a weekend of camping; braving the mud, the rain and the wind it's amazing to come back to dry ground (and a house) to reflect over all the things that have happened and how much God really speaks.

Camping with local churches who are passionate about seeing God in their towns is incredible. It's impossible to be bored or even apathetic about God and about seeing His kingdom spread in our towns!

I went to the weekend not knowing what to expect but what a great place to be! Not confined by pathetic human expectations but totally open to whatever God has for me! God blew me away massively with what He wanted to speak to me about. My mind was racing for the first section of the weekend with trivial matters and it wasn't until God shook me up and reminded me that He was the reason that I was there and that all the other things I was thinking about were simply menial and unimportant.

I love the fact that comedy is totally owned by God, He has a great sense of humour! Whilst worshipping I looked on the floor to see a beetle upside down and was strangely drawn to it. As I sat down to look at the poor thing God spoke to me. He told me to help it to its feet.

Needless to say my response was pretty disgusted;

"God you really want me to touch this thing? During worship? It's a beetle. Erm..really?" But following God is stepping out, and to be honest you just have to look through the Bible to see weirder and much harder things that Christians have done for God. So a little freaked out I helped the beetle to its feet and watched. I don't know what I expected, perhaps for it to start talking to me and say 'Thanks' or whether it would turn into a person or something! I watched the beetle and watched it slowly headbutt a big cable again and again and sat and waited...then God's explanation came. And it fitted perfectly:

"Just as you helped him to his feet, I'll help you to yours. You may headbutt the wall a couple of times but I'm watching you and I'll help you back on the way."

Who'd have thought a little beetle could inspire so much?!

It just goes to show that God uses everything and anything to help us on our way. Our God is an inventive God, after all He did invent the universe and everything in it! So don't go waiting for big cliche things to happen, 'cos God loves to surprise!

Attitudes...

2011-05-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the week I blogged about seizing opportunities and making the most of the challenges that come your way and well, this week has proved to be a challenge and a half. It's been difficult to say the least, but ever the optimist it's all good practice and helps to build the character no doubt.

Truthfully this week's major battle has been with my attitude. A situation occurred that sparked off issues that I've had to deal with as a result. (Apologises for the ambiguity but I don't want to be naming and shaming.)

I hate talking about attitude because it always makes me feel like a grumpy teenager, but to be honest, our attitudes are important. I've struggled this week to keep my temper and to keep my frustration under control. I am rarely an angry person and I am not confrontational unless completely necessary, so when I say that this week I've struggled with anger and frustration it is more of an internal battle than anything else.

I find it so hard to cope with being helpless. This week I've had to bite my tongue and just deal with the fact that no matter how close you feel you are to someone, sometimes (or all the time as it currently feels) they just don't want to tell you what is wrong with them. I totally understand the whole 'bottling up thing' I've lived that way most of my life! But I still tell close friends the real things that are bothering me, not just because they want to help but because it's a release and shows that you trust and respect them when you're at your most vulnerable.

This week when a friend just pretended everything was alright and refused to admit anything was wrong it wound me up massively. Not only did it clearly affect her but it upset and affected me and how I lived on a daily basis. It's infuriating to know that I can't help, that if I'm the root of the problem I am making it worse by not knowing and I can't help stop the issue; it's infuriating because I care for them and want to help. My prayers seem weak and pathetic; "Please help so and so with whatever is wrong..." it just doesn't seem enough.

The anger soon subsided into feeling insulted and upset, feeling under appreciated and that our friendship is only a one-way street, and that I can't be trusted enough to help.

Needless to say that this week has drained me; struggling to maintain the right focus and I've had to keep coming back to God and asking for His help to straighten my attitude out. I'm still grappling with it now, and so I guess this blog does little to add to your daily readings other than to show you where I am right now.

Attitudes are important to get right, they effect your mood and how people perceive you. I know that this feeling of frustration and insult isn't going to go away from just blogging, or even from just having prayed a couple of times over the past week. This is one of those things that I need to pray about day in and day out. I need to battle it and face it head on, never forgetting or neglecting the power it can have over my life.

Serving...

2011-05-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

Whilst having a casual conversation about church and serving I received a challenge to serve more. Although perhaps not the initial intention it struck a chord with me and I realised that my church is not benefiting from everything I have to offer.

At my home church I serve in several different areas and (in general) I'm on the main events if people need me. (Please don't misread this as a boasting blog believe me it is far from that.) But it occurred to me that serving is the one area I feel confident in. I come across as a confident, outgoing person but there is something I find so beautiful, humbling and rewarding from serving and going unnoticed. I was challenged therefore that being on one team isn't necessarily enough.

For the people that I care most about I would do almost anything for them, and likewise my church deserves the same mentality. Today I served on a children's team, and although from past experiences I have found it a little boring and repetitive I was reminded why I fell in love with it. It is a challenge undoubtedly, talking to younger children isn't my forte but there was something incredible about praying with them and trying to explain to them aspects of the Gospel. How do you explain grace to a 6 year old? Definitely something that will keep you on your toes.

Today I've been struck with what I can offer to God's church. God created me perhaps not with many talents but as I have been told, not all talents are those that are categorised in the arts and crafts. Some come in people skills, thinking outside the box, serving and teaching.

I'm starting to see (maybe a little late) that God wants me to do more, learn more, teach more and serve more. It's totally out of my comfort zone; scary and I'm not entirely sure I can do it, but at the end of the day I'd rather try hard for the kingdom and fail than sit back and regret my apathy.

I've talked the talk ... now it's time to walk the walk.

Seizing Opportunities...

2011-05-22T15:09:00.000-07:00

A while ago I was given a prophecy/picture spoken over me:

"I had a picture of a tractor/combine harvester at harvesting time. I felt God give me two phrases in relation to you going back to uni. The first was 'the harvest is now' and the second was 'a season fruitfulness' I felt God say that seeds have been growing over your past two years at uni and that you should have faith and be expectant for these things to happen."

The season of harvesting has been difficult and I'm not entirely sure that I'm out of it yet, but I am beginning to see the seeds of a fruitful season starting to grow.

Today alone I've been presented with several opportunities to step out and get out of this box that I'm living in. Getting out of the comfort zone is something that I can imagine everyone can identify with, that first step is painful but once you're out it's GREAT!

I'm starting to see that God wants me living more dangerously than previously and that my current (and rather pathetic) safe lifestyle just isn't good enough. I've been blessed with opportunities to step out, and instead of backing out and backing down, I'm going to seize them! I'm fed up of wanting to be radical and not really reaching radical heights.

So, it is time to wake up and shake up my lifestyle and be RADICAL. Granted my kind of radical may not be yours but I just want to please God and live for Him.

These opportunities could flourish and fly or they could crash and burn, either way it's time to go with it and see where God takes me. God is my strength, my guide and my shelter. These opportunities that I have presented before me are for Him to use and I know they are His 'gentle' way of nudging me out of my comfort zone.

I'll let you know how it pans out.

Melancholy Mood...

2011-05-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in one of those very pensive and melancholy moods. The sort of mood that Emos seem to be constantly stuck in, although I haven't decided to dye my hair and revert to teenage angst. (just yet)

I have however been lying on my bed thinking. A truly shocking activity I know! I'm staring at the guitar in front of me and the keyboard to the left of me and further to the left of me my sewing machine. I'm looking at all of these things and finally waking myself up to the fact that I don't have a clue about any of them (not really anyway).

I'm no dancer, singer, musician, artist or intellectual. I'm not 'a jack of all trades and master of none', I think I probably fall into the category where I might be good at something, but I'm not sure what that something is right now. I can write-I think that is my one saving grace, but writing for pleasure seems to have become this teenage angst/super emotional and ridiculous talent that no-one actually cares about and no-one wants to read. (I think you can see my mood by now!)

So I began the self-pitying road with a whole load of miserable along the way and I came to the conclusion that I don't have any talents and nothing really worthy of telling people. I think at one point I said I am pretty worthless and then questioned why I was even made. (Ok maybe there is slight angst there) but through the melodrama I heard a faint voice.

"I made you in MY image. You are worth something to me."

"Why do you need to have visible talents that have to be acknowledged?"

"You are MY daughter. I drew up specific plans for you."

Then I was reminded of an event that had happened earlier in the day...

My housemate phoned me to say that a baby bird had fallen from its nest and died in our drive, could I sort it out etc. Not a particularly nice memory until I was reminded that

"Not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without the Father knowing it...you are more valuable than a whole flock of sparrows." Matthew (NLT).

So although my melancholy has not completely lifted, I know that God created me for a purpose. Unfortunately I forget that beautiful and encouraging truth sometimes and need Him to gently nudge me and remind me that I am not worthless and that I am His. That alone should be enough. I maybe talentless but on the brightside it means I don't have any talents to get in the way of serving God-so I He ultimately gets more of me!!

Worrying sucks life away...

2011-05-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

April has been and gone and I seem to be blogging all the less these days.

The dissertation is finally in as well as the multitude of other paperwork but there is still no rest as exams are but a few days away and yet through it all I feel...calm.

I don't know that it is in my 'old' age that I've become more laid back or whether I have developed a subconscious knowledge that my life is in better hands, either way I'm chilled.

We need a house mate for next year and time is running out...but I'm relaxed, exams are about a week away and third year is nearly over...but still I'm calm.

Here I am blogging away when revision should be the primary target and focus and yet I am peaceful.

I am not passive or unbothered, for exams and future plans are important to me but in the grand scheme of things worrying gets you nowhere.

I have a God that has quite happily taken it upon himself to eradicate the need to worry and has given me the opportunity instead to focus on Him.

Worrying sucks life away.

Ten minutes worrying could have been ten minutes spent being productive.

Speaking of which I should really get back to this revision.

Just a little thought to keep your brains ticking.

Advice and the Bigger Picture...

2011-05-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

I've come to the library to do revision and I find myself in a pensive mood with a mind that is a million miles from my work. It's been a challenging night and it is by no means over. I've done a lot of listening tonight; taking in facts and listening to feelings and opinions.

I don't proclaim to be an excellent advice giver or to be particularly wise, but when a friend is need all my insecurities go out the window and I will help them no matter.

It's incredible how we are such a small part of a massive picture that God has for us. One major slip up in my life has not been allowed to go to waste, God is using it even now to enable me to advice others not to make the same mistakes. I am currently seeing it repeating itself in front of my very eyes, and I am pretty helpless to stop it. However, my experience allows me to shed some light on the situation and allow the person to feel like they are not alone. I find it difficult not to come across passive when I'm giving advice. I don't want to condemn, judge or speak harsh words to others for that will just push them further into rebellion and further away from the love that I can give.

If I can help just one person through my 'scarring' experiences then I guess it is worth it, it shows just one glimpse of God's bigger picture.

Dearest Brothers...

2011-04-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

Dearest Brothers in Christ this is an earnest plea...look after your sisters.

I can't bear to witness and experience more suffering. Your sisters in Christ are precious things, one day you will have the honour and privilege of having another's affection. Leading is a responsibility that has been given to you, it shouldn't be a chore or a drag but something that gives you pride and honour, just as serving and supporting you is for your sisters. You need to learn to break down your walls of pride and fear of vulnerability and lead from a Godly place rather than an Earthly one. We want to support and care for you but we want to be cherished too. Love us, support us, encourage us and help us to blossom. And as you lead us, we will respond with love, care, encouragement and support. You are our brothers and our family, love us like you love your blood related family. Grow into the men that we know you can be; be bold, be different, dare to stand and work for better. Having a wife is not a given or a duty but a gift and a privilege, being a father is a privilege, being a husband is a privilege. We long to be led by men that love God and who lead from a Godly place as a result. We long to be encouraged, supported, cherished and loved.

We see your potential now it's time to fulfil it.

Your Sister in Christ

Christianity is Liberation

2011-04-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

When you tell people that you're a Christian and you love God it is a common misconception that it means "You follow a load of rules" or "You're either happy clappy or as dry as a burnt piece of toast" etc.

The assumption is that being a Christian is a restricting and oppressive choice.

It is such a misconception that right here and right now I'm going to eradicate it. Granted it won't be in a scholarly and academic fashion but it will be truthful!

Choosing to live for God was the most liberating thing I've ever done.

Imagine this...You've worked hard and you've just come out of school, you've been offered two fantastic jobs, same salary, same location, same great perks-how do you decide? At the end of the day although they both seem the same, one will be inevitably better for you because there will be different people involved and different styles etc.

Now if you're the indecisive type like me it'll be a killer trying to decide, but all I have to do is pray and wait for God to answer! Easy.

I don't have to worry about my future because He has it planned. Any mistake or seemingly wrong choice I make God will turn into something fruitful; whether immediately or whether years on.

I love walking back from places and being able to talk to my best friend even though He can't be seen. It's freeing. Being able to talk to someone who is always there, who will never let you down and who cares completely.

Try and name one person in your life who is all of those things, I can guarantee there will be no-one who fits all of those criteria all of the time, day in day out. How is that not liberating?

Yes, being a Christian means that perhaps I know of the 10 commandments and yes I want to abide by them as much as possible, but let's face it they're not exactly 'deal breakers'. 'Do not murder'-not exactly a toughy! I don't live each day confined by suffocating laws that tell me to face a wall, jump up and down 5 times, wash my face and then I can talk to God, if anything I live a life that is limitless and boundary-less, it is me that puts the obstacles there, God wants to break them and let me roam.

Jesus died on the cross so that none of us would have the issue of restraint, confinement and claustrophobia of oppressive rules and regulations. He died so that we could live, that we could have our own breathing space and use that breathing space to be close to God.

To have the knowledge that God is sovereign, loves me no matter what I do or say and allows me to live a life that isn't oppressed...now that is LIBERATING!

Get God in your life, get liberated.

Words fail me...

2011-04-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again when all the students return to their homelands for the Easter holidays and I am no different.

Returning home is always a time of mixed emotions as it feels like you leave your new life to return to the life you left behind (not always in a negative way though). Returning to my home church is particularly interesting; the less frequently I return the more I notice the changes. The changes in faces and the changes in style. Needless to say that the first meeting back I'm always a little apprehensive, mostly about how it is going to be and what has changed.

This Sunday was a great meeting, with a fantastic worship that really brought home to me the inadequacy of the English Language-bizarre thing to think right? Bear with me on this, it's going to make sense...Granted it isn't the most obvious or perhaps the most common thing to think when worshipping and praising an Almighty God, but it is true.

When I think about how amazing God is and how incredible He is, words fail me. When I worship Him and try to describe Him, words fail me. When I think about what He's done, words fail me. That's when I'm grateful for the gift of Tongues. Even then I feel like I am barely touching the surface of the praise that God deserves.

He is indescribable.

I was overwhelmed with the lack of words that can describe Him, I wish I could speak more about His character and His amazing qualities but I can't. There aren't words. Nothing comes close. I just have to laugh at the inadequacy and inaccuracy of the English language and for that matter all languages.

For even the most passionate and ardent words are not enough.

He means more to me than words can say. He is greater, higher, and better than any words can describe. He is more loving than words. Words don't do it.

The thing is until you've experienced His love, His beauty and His incredible nature aren't comprehensible. I can try earnestly to draw you in and describe Him, but it doesn't say much.

I could use the most eloquent of words and yet it wouldn't bring Him enough praise or glory. As I write this there is a big smile on my face, but even that doesn't say it.

My words are but a drop in the sea compared to how awesome a God is He.

Testimony...

2011-03-06T15:38:00.001-08:00

Every Thursday evening I meet with an amazing bunch of people from church and we pray, worship, and discuss our biggest passion in life...God. This week I'm on Witness, a section of the night that consists of something evangelistic or at least challenging. Whilst thinking of what to do I decided to think about my testimony and think about how God saved me and made it clear to me that I need Him in my life. (Now, I wasn't going to write it down in this blog, but maybe next time.)

I would never profess to have a particularly gripping testimony with jaw dropping stories of rebellion and intrigue, but it's gripping in the sense that God chose me, saved me and has used me. I used to think it was a mundane testimony in comparison to the converted murderers, drug dealers and alcoholics, but actually the fact that God woke me up and said He wanted to use me is pretty awesome in itself.

My testimony contains an abundance of stupid mistakes that I still see the consequences of and will in the future, but something struck me when I thought about it. It was this...

...when I screwed up BIG time, God waited with open arms for me to run back and find Him.

There was one part of my life where I was painfully torn between God and earthly pleasures, I can't begin to imagine the pain I inflicted on God as He watched me hurt myself and disobey Him time and time again.

And yet He waited.

He listened patiently to my guilty and disgraced sobs when I called out for forgiveness and asked to escape the life I was leading.

He gave me strength to tear me away from it.

When I finally broke free He waited...with open arms. My Daddy, the Creator of the Universe waited for my return.

He wrapped His arms around me and didn't shun me or send me away...He instead debased Himself to save a sinner like me.

So yeah, you know what...I want to lay down my life because a God like that is worth it.

He is priceless, beyond value and so totally incredible that giving my life is quite frankly, pittance in comparison.

Catch on fire...

2011-01-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

"Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come from miles to watch you burn."

I wrote this John Wesley quote to someone today and was just reminded of what a beautiful quote it is.

All I want is to live for God, and if I can inspire and spur others to do the same just by being passionate than that is a beautiful bonus for God.

But whether or not you're a Christian and whether you've accidentally and rather scarily come across this page just think about that quote:

"Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come from miles to watch you burn."

Think about applying it to life, to the things you love. I don't want to sound like a profound blog writer and I don't profess that this is particularly profound, but I know that I want to live my life enthusiastic and passionate about the things I love. I don't want to just be passive about things that I used to love but now can't be bothered to.

Shake up and wake up.

Life is short! Get passionate. Get excited.

It's time to watch the people around you catch onto your vision, to your love and to feel what you feel.

"Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come from miles to watch you burn."

God just keeps on giving...

2011-01-20T10:10:00.000-08:00

God is amazing!

Nothing about that statement is new to me and it shouldn't be to you either, but this week He has revealed it all over again.

Yesterday was an interview for what I want to do next year and more importantly the rest of my life! Needless to say I was just a little nervous! One of the things I love about the church family though is the support and love that is available to you. I asked so many people to support me with prayer and there were so many of my church family that were willing to help and give me advice and encouraging words. I don't know what I would do without my family, both the blood family and the church family. Just knowing that people are praying is wonderful enough. I know that I would be lost without that support system and I would find life so lonely without the knowledge of a church family loving me and being there for me.

Tuesday was generally a relaxed day where I distracted myself by knuckling down to work and later going to a friend's house for dinner. As the evening drew to a close, my Mum prayed for me, (via the phone) which always brings me peace and is something I am so grateful for. I'm so blessed to have parents that care and show an interest.

I love the fact that because of what God did for me I get to talk to Him. I've done nothing to deserve it! After sorting out my bag, clothes and general bits and bobs for the next day I sat down and prayed a last long winded repetitive prayer. And God gave me this amazing sense that He was listening and that yes He will be there tomorrow, peace was mine and I fell to sleep no problem!

I prayed these things:

For blue sky and nice weather-so that I can feel motivated and be in a good mood.

To know at least one person during the interview day.

That my interviewer would make me feel comfortable and be friendly.

That the day would go quickly and would hopefully finish relatively early!

Such small little things to ask a great big God, that to be honest wouldn't appear to require much faith, especially when you look at Biblical times when they asked for fire and waited for walls to crumble!

I woke up a little early and the first thing I did was look out at the window with an expectant heart. My heart was overjoyed with the beauty that the morning held...blue sky with a touch of pink and a few wispy clouds-Thank you God! I went feeling fairly calm and although once I got there my nerves were playing on me, God had His way of making me smile...The first person I bumped into was a friend from back home that I hadn't seen at uni for a while! Amazing! It then turned out that another person on my course was attending the day also and I was able to spend most of the day with him! The day continued pretty fast (another prayer answered) and surprisingly pretty well. Next for the interview...It was the friendliest interviewer possible, and although he tested me and pushed my knowledge I felt at ease and we chatted comfortably. I was even able to talk about church and the Bible with him. (Not totally as holy as it sounds) Answer to another prayer! And if all that wasn't enough...I finished at 1pm not the 5pm that had originally been stated.

Hallelujah! I was blown away by God's faithfulness and attention to my prayers. I don't why I should be, after all He is the most incredible God that time after time sticks by my side, listens and loves me.

How amazing that God went with me to a tiny interview (in comparison to Him) and stayed by my side. That before the day started He knew the interviewer, the weather, the people I'd meet and the exact timing of everything.

But God likes to do things His way and with His own special flare...I was told that I would know of the results within the next 2 weeks. They emailed me today and told me I had a provisional place! So although it is not a definite God has got me this far and He will get me the rest of the way, whatever that way is!

All I need is Him. He is enough. He is all I want. I don't just want Him when I have challenges to face and tough times ahead, but I want Him in everything. I want Him before I sleep, when I wake, when I cry, laugh, dance and sing I want Him there.

I love you God.

A Glorious Picture...

2011-01-05T17:04:00.000-08:00

The last couple of nights have been prayer nights at my home church. I love being able to encourage one another by praying together and worshipping God in a smaller setting; it's all a little bit closer and more tight knit. These prayer nights are what church is all about; building each other up and getting passionate about the things we want to see happen.

After the prayer portion of the night and after a quick pint at the pub I watched The Time Traveller's Wife (sad film), once it finished I took the short walk home and it was on this walk that I had the most amazing picture.

(I was walking in the road at this point looking at the houses, listening to the peace and quiet-there is just something so freeing about walking in the middle of the road late at night/early in the morning...)

As I walked down the road I just thought to myself;

'One day every one of these houses will be filled with rejoicing.'

Just imagine it:

Whole streets filled with songs of worship and the constant chitter chatter about what God has done in each other's lives. I can't wait. I can't wait to see everyone waking up on a Sunday morning walking and driving to their churches, greeting one another on the way. One day dancing in the streets just because we are loved by the King of Kings. One day I will see my street rejoicing and praising God and what an amazing day that'll be. Just imagine the party!

Parents...

2011-01-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

There are so many things to be thankful for in this life and one thing that I definitely thank God for is my parents.

I believe there comes an age where you truly appreciate your parents, after the tantrums of the toddler years and the talking back and rebellion of the teenage years you finally start to see just how much they've done for you. Now granted not everyone is so blessed with a fantastic set of parents, you just need to watch the Jeremy Kyle Show to see how broken some homes really are, but I have been well and truly blessed.

I didn't always used to get on with my parents and there have certainly been times where I disliked them more than anything-probably a predictable teenage stage. But I do truly love and respect them and thank God for such great parents.

I may be past the teenage years but I don't think you ever stop needing your parents or at least wanting their comfort. I came home tonight a little bit emotionally shaken up and all I did was sit down next to my Mum and pour my heart out. It's not always been like that and needless to say I am a pretty guarded person, but there are just some times that you need your Mum and I don't believe I am too old. My Dad soon joined us and the two of them said so many wise things that I would be a fool to ignore them or even take them for granted.

My parents have been the most amazing parents-they continually support me even when it gets tough-emotionally and financially; they love me unconditionally and give me the most incredibly wise advice (whether I choose to listen or not!). It's even better that I can pray with them and that they love to pray with me too. I love the fact that I can run to either of them and they will willingly pray for and with me, their prayers are so comforting.

I love my parents and I am so blessed to have them. They have been such an incredible example to me throughout the years of a loving marriage, that although has its highs and lows works so so well.

So...here's to you Mum and Dad for the amazing example you've set us children, for the love you continually pour out, for the tantrums, rebellions, back chat and rudeness you've put up with and for you're continued support in pray, in words, comfort and financially.

I love you.

Another year...

2010-12-01T05:36:00.000-08:00

As we're coming to the end of another year, I've started to get nostalgic.

When I look at this past year, it has been quite a spectacular journey, as I guess each year is.

Despite lots of lows and lots of difficulties in everything I can see God's handiwork. I see a small part of His plan and I have so much to thank Him for.

This year I've taken risks, failed and succeeded, been hurt and hurt others, seen illness, felt illness and seen healings, been the happiest I can be and been the saddest I can be, grown and seen change and in it all is God.

I have no regrets from this year, (a bold statement to make) even the rubbish parts I can see the positives and I can see areas that I've grown as a result of 'mistakes'. When I think about everything God has done for me this year, it fills me with awe and joy.

I'm so grateful that He wasn't just with me for the start of the year, but through it all and next year will be the same. I don't know what it brings, but I know God will be right by my side and I'll look back again in December 2011 and be once again thankful and eternally grateful to Him for everything I've learned.

It's great to have a constant companion that has been with me through all the situations, through all the ones I vividly remember to those I've long forgotten. He has blessed me majorly this year.

If you've had a 'terrible' year, you need God. Because as cheesy as it sounds, all the bad stuff seems insignificant when you give it to God and can have Him to throw it on. He never tires of being by your side, of listening to you and the thing that gets me is that He has felt everything I have and understands it all.

I could have wished things differently and wanted things to work out differently but I know that there is a purpose to each and every event that took place.

I may not have felt like I achieved much this year in certain areas, but I know that God sees the bigger picture and that 2010 isn't just another year in my life, but is a year of huge purpose.

Goodbye 2010 and bring on a new year with more things to learn, a God to hunger and thirst for even more and a year to be even more thankful for despite every challenge that awaits.

'Cos I'm sticking with you...

2010-11-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

"Nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.

Death can't, life can't.

The angels can't and rulers can't.

Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean—Nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

A verse I know so well, but mix it with fresh revelation of what that statement actually means and WOW!

Just weigh up that verse.

It's incredible! I can't 'escape' God's love and I don't want to! There are always times where we just feel that life is getting on top of us, but no matter how big my problems get, no matter the battles I face I can't be separated from God! I just think that is amazing!

In death I can still know God's love and in life too, not even the powers of hell and darkness and evil can separate me! No power is enough to separate me from my beautiful, holy, majestic, heavenly Father and God. How amazing is it-that a God so great will never let me go and that nothing can ever break that bond. Nothing.

No matter what is thrown at you and no matter how tough it all gets read that verse with faith and let it bring peace and joy to your heart.

It may not be an eloquent blog, but it's full of heart!

Our Future in God's Hands...

2010-11-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

So today I finally completed my application form for the course I want to do next year. I feel surprisingly calm and at peace about it all. As I sent it off I will admit that I said a quick prayer, but it is so good to know that God has my future in His hands.

I don't have to worry about how bad the personal statement might have been or how long the reference takes to come through, because I totally trust in Him. If all this falls through I know that He knows what is going to happen and although I will feel completely lost He'll organise something that is potentially better for me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have an author to my life. If I wrote my own story, my own life would have far more mistakes than it already has had and overall let's face it I wouldn't be as happy as I am.

What safer hands to be in then that of the Creator of the universe?!

So it's time to loosen up, let it go and trust in God. My future is His.

'The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9 (ESV) "We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall." Proverbs 16:33 (NLT)

Calm in the Storm...

2010-10-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

My head is going mental at the moment, so many things are happening and going on that my brain is physically frying as I try to think about every single thing. I'm analysing situations, worrying about future decisions, past decisions and I'm so so tired.

But it's in these times that I am so grateful for God. He is my confident, the one I cry to and the one I can tell everything, from the most shameful to what I feel are the most proud moments. I'm learning more and more that people will always fail and disappoint you, but God never does and never will.

He never makes me sad, never hurts me and is always there to listen. When I feel at my most vulnerable and feeling more alone than ever He is there.

He is the comforting arm that wraps itself around me and the comforting voice that says "I am always here, I love you".

No matter the hour, the problem or the state I'm in He is there and always will be.

I can't tell you how amazing it is to have that. Without Him I am nothing, I would be even more of a state than I am currently and I wouldn't have the greatest friend in the world.

I love my God.

In the torrent of emotions, He is my anchor and He is my peace.

Nothing profound today folks, just a complete an utter thankful heart to my best friend for always being there and for being the greatest.

I love God and I am so glad He loves me.

"Break my heart, for what breaks yours"...

2010-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

So as the previous blog stated I've been effected by the idea of being in anguish for God.

It is so sad and yet so true that we have become desensitised and dare I say 'used to' the terrible things happening in the world around us. It is so easy now to detach ourselves from them, particularly if they are abroad and not happening to us, it can all just seem as though it is worlds apart. But as was brought up today, we need to be affected by it.

We need to see injustice and ache for better, I want to watch the news and have a genuine heart for the people I see on it, not just a twang of sympathy. No, much more.

It is a dangerous desire, to want to be ruined by God and to have a weeping heart for the evil in this world. I feel like I've got 'used to' seeing it all and shut myself away.

I'm really good at running away from things; feelings, situations and procrastinating until it is just a faint memory; but after today I don't think I want that or can do that anymore.

God has given us hearts to feel what He feels when He looks down at this world. "Break my heart, for what breaks yours", lyrics I've sung before but now they penetrate me and make me stop and genuinely want it.

I want my heart to be so in tune with God's that when I see oppressed women or broken homes, I don't want to think of it as 'the norm' but I want to melt with the desperation for those situations, I want to ache and pray fervently for better.

I want to long and weep and fight for better.

It's dangerous and dare I say radical to want to live like that, but I want it. I will never feel anguish like Jesus did and that is the worst it could be. If you haven't already, check out David Wilkerson on Anguish: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMG_PVaJoI

Jeremiah wept for his city, he cried out to God to save his nation, his neighbours, to save them despite the evil in those places.

I don't remember the last time I did that. I want to weep and wail for those that are hurting and broken and lost.

Goodbye to my old heart of stone and hello heart of flesh.

Blessed are those that mourn...

2010-10-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

Tom Shaw preached at City Church Canterbury today, a fantastic preach full of emotion and hard-hitting truth that left me and I'm sure others were deeply effected by such an incredible preach. To get a glimpse of some of the hard hitting stuff check out this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMG_PVaJoI

To listen to Tom's preach (which is well worth it) check out the link below:

http://www.thecitychurch.org.uk/downloads/audio/tccc_sun_101010.mp3

In every season...

2010-10-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

This is my prayer in the harvest
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

It doesn't matter what season of life you're in or what kind of week you've had, at the end of the day our worship is to do with God and how great He is, not how we feel. Worship should flow from our mouths no matter the situation, it's difficult but our God is worthy of praise 24/7!

God the Father...

2010-09-02T04:45:00.000-07:00

Whilst reading Jeremiah 3 yesterday I came across the following verses and was truly amazed at them...

"Come home to me again, for I am merciful. I will not be angry with you forever...Return home, you wayward children..." (v12,14)

"I thought to myself; 'I would love to treat you as my own children!' I wanted nothing more than to give you this beautiful land - the finest inheritance in the world. I looked forward to your calling me 'Father'." (v19)

"My wayward children', says the Lord, 'Come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts". (v22)

How incredibly beautiful is that? A great big God who created all of nature and our very being is desperate for a relationship with us. He doesn't care how far we've strayed or how little we acknowledge Him, He just simply wants us to call Him 'Father', and to treat us, because we are His children. Wow.

His desperation to have us near is so clear here and even clearer when He sent Jesus to die on the cross. He is merciful and despite our constant screw ups and disappointments all He wants is us. That is mind blowing!

Why would such an incredible, mighty, glorious God want a relationship with me? Better yet, not just a mild acquaintance but a relationship where I can call Him 'Father' and He calls me His own, His child. There is no better place to put hope or identity in than that.

My identity is found in that relationship, I can call the master of the whole universe my Dad and He longs to have me near. He calls me home and one day His home will be mine too.

Those verses demonstrate a determined, devoted, loving and wonderful Father, who is also my glorious King who I long to praise all my days.

No matter your experience of Fatherhood there is a God calling you home and calling you His own.

A Father that has given infinitely more than anyone will or has ever given.

A Father that can hold mountains in His hands and shelter you from the raging storms.

A Father that never leaves, never forsakes and loves you through everything.

What a Father!

Great Expectations...

2010-08-02T13:49:00.001-07:00

So the previous blog was centered around the Holy Spirit and it led me to think more about expectations. Recently I've been challenged on my expectations of God, how small they are in comparison to such a mighty God.

So as a true sceptic I thought I'd test the water! On a Thursday at 7.30AM a group of us have started to meet together to pray, (nothing tests your faith more than an early morning prayer session!) on the eve of the first one I decided to get behind it in prayer and be expectant. It's funny how it always feels 'dangerous' to go expectant to something for the fear it will fall flat on its face and be rubbish. But as I began to pray about the meeting my faith was stirred and all thoughts of God disappointing me dissipated. Who am I to be disappointed in God?

It occurred to me, that He never disappoints, and if I ever claim He does, I'm where the issue lies. I have no problem saying and admitting how foolish and stupid my thoughts are at times.

As I prayed my faith increased and all negative thoughts vanished, God started to use my heart and mind and turn the negative, fearful areas into something way more fruitful and useful. It made getting up in the morning so much easier and allowed me to go with a positive heart! Where I had asked (rather 'riskily') to step out, God gave me the opportunities (although not the best delivery, God saw my heart!) and where I'd asked for us to be impacted by the time we'd left, He'd done it (certainly for me).

So being expectant of God gained me everything and lost me nothing.

How stupid to think I'd put Him in a box because of my fear and insecurities! As if my God is brought to a grinding halt at them, they are no obstacle for Him.

So here is my challenge:

Be radical in what you pray for...expect it to happen!

Never put God in a box, He deserves more than to be put in your silly box!

When you expect great things, great things will happen, maybe not in your timing or in your way, but in His way-1000 times better.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV) - Hallelujah!!!

And as William Carey said "Expect great things from God, attempt great things for God".

Holy Spirit...

2010-06-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been reading Joy Unspeakable by D. Martyn Lloyd Jones-a very challenging and interesting read! It is very much focused on the Holy Spirit and different aspects of it. Jones talks of being continually expectant of the Holy Spirit in our day to day lives and that although sometimes the Holy Spirit can seem more prevalent in centuries gone by it just simply isn't the case.

I have to confess that of late I've become way too content with my expectations of the Holy Spirit, it is once I read Jones' words that I realised what I'm missing out on and it revealed a truth I'd long forgotten, apparently! I so often get into the frame of mind just waiting for a Sunday morning, praying before hand to experience the Holy Spirit, as though the previous 6 days didn't need the Holy Spirit!

I know that I can experience the Holy Spirit daily, for he is my "helper" and yet I so often glide over that fact. Whilst cleaning I had a real encounter with the Holy Spirit and since then, I've been so aware of my foolish thinking. I was mopping a floor and I encountered God! Crazy! He encounters us in the mundane and during the exciting times.

As believers and children of God the Holy Spirit is within us, he is in every inch of us.

I guess this blog is more a realisation than anything else!

The Holy Spirit is within me, so I want to make the most of it! I want to be effected more and more, day through day by it. The Holy Spirit isn't just for a Sunday morning, nor just the times of great spiritual excitement, it is for the mundane times, the quiet times and all the other times in between.

Gosh, imagine what would happen if my expectations of the Holy Spirit each day were completely wild! Imagine the possibilities!

Our God is a Faithful God...

2010-05-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Our God is a faithful God! He is always with us, every season of our lives, every minute of the day and every area of the world!!

If I wake up in the middle of the night I can talk to Him and know that He is there. On the busy street as my thoughts turn to Him, He is there.

What an amazing God!! That someone so powerful, mighty and incredible takes time to go everywhere with me!! As I looked at in couple of blogs ago, He is a God that cares for me, but as if that wasn't enough He goes everywhere with me! I don't deserve even a second of His time let alone the fact I can call on Him whenever.

How ridiculous?!

He is always there, He is always listening, He cares and He loves us, yet He is the greatest and most high!

My God is amazing!!

I love it when those seemingly small truths come back to hit me in the face and I realise over and over again how incredible they truly are!

Too often do I become complacent with those truths, I love fresh revelations of His love!

Running the race, not alone, but together...

2010-05-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

"When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours." Romans 1:12 (NLT)

I was on Skype earlier to my friend who has been out in South Africa for about 4 months now and having just got off of it, it is time to reflect...

The above verse written by Paul is such a challenge to us,to encourage one another in our faith and to help each other run the race. When talking to my friend I am continually inspired to change my bad characteristics, to push myself more and to seek God further; as I see her faith grow more and more I want mine to do the same. When I see how God has provided for her out there, and how she is so dependent on Him I can't help but be inspired, and I'd like to think even if it is only small I can inspire and encourage her to continue and increase what she's doing already.

Running the Christian race doesn't have to be a lonely one; for one, we have God right beside us, running by our sides as it were and secondly we have our brothers and sisters running too. When others lag behind it may seem easier to continue running, but if we're to do as Paul writes, we need to go back, pick them up where they've fallen and encourage them to continue, because you never know, that kindness may need to be returned when we fall ourselves.

In a world so bitter and mocking it is important that we spur each other on, that in times of trouble we say that little encouraging word that can make all the difference.

When was the last time you encouraged someone? I know for me, it was far too long ago!

Take one challenge today and encourage someone, spur them on in the race and run along side them. If you legs feel weary and you're struggling to carrying on, there's a God who loves you and there's people running with you, who love you and will pick you up and help you.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong" Hebrews 12:12-13 (NLT)

A Great BIG God cares about tiny, little us...

2010-05-07T15:31:00.000-07:00

So I may not have blogged in a while and the expectation to write something profound is probably quite high, but I only have something simple to say, profound in its own right.

Our God is a GREAT BIG God who cares about the little things!

As I stand on the precipice looking down at the next few weeks of future-defining exams and essays, God once again stands beside me and holds me back from blindly jumping!

I've lost sleep due to stress and the more I try to revise the more upset I get as nothing goes in and nothing happens. Today as I sat down and began to revise I simply asked God to bless my revision session and to make my brain work and absorb and remember things-it was a pretty desperate prayer and in some senses I was already feeling defeated, but my God is not defeated! Exams don't scare or deter Him.

So as I began revising, talking it through to myself I remembered a technical word and was amazed at how I remembered it. As I looked it up to double check I rejoiced at the fact that I remembered, call it luck, call it coincidence, call it nothing ...but it was God! My brain is so fried and yet He helped me remember a word from so long ago.

Although my God is a great big God He cares about the smallest of things that mean the most to us. He cares about all our worries, problems and desires.

A God bigger than the universe cares about lil ol' me and about lil ol' you!

He may be a great BIG God, but He cares about the little things and has a BIG heart for You.

1 Peter 5:7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." (NLT)

Dietrich Bonhoeffer...

2010-03-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

I came across the name Dietrick Bonhoeffer and decide to do a bit of research, it was whilst looking at his quotes that it hit me, this guy really gets it. He really gets what it is to be a Christian, what it is to live for God-to surrender all and live a life that is God centered and God consumed. He makes so many good points that we can all learn from:

"Earthly possessions dazzle our eyes and delude us into thinking that they can provide security and freedom from anxiety. Yet all the time they are the very source of anxiety."

"Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others, we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as ourselves."

"Only he who believes is obedient and only he who is obedient believes."

Now I know this blog entry is hardly a masterpiece but you have to admit they're challenging quotes at least! They're not telling and condemning us on how we should live our lives but rather inspiring us.

Check out Dietrich Bonhoeffer (even if it is just a quick glimpse on Wikipedia), he led a truly inspirational and amazing life.

Smith Wigglesworth...

2010-02-01T06:40:00.000-08:00

“Live ready. If you have to get ready when the opportunity comes your way, you’ll be too late. Opportunity doesn’t wait, not even while you pray. You must not have to get ready, you must live ready at all times. Be filled with the Spirit; that is, be soaked with the Spirit. Be so soaked that every thread in the fabric of your life will have received the requisite rule of the Spirit – then when you are misused and squeezed to the wall, all that will ooze out of you will be the nature of Christ.”

What a quote!

The List goes on and on...

2010-01-31T12:07:00.000-08:00

During the worship in small group this week we decided to thank God for all He had done for us in 2009 and to write it down...

God does so much for us, now that may seem an obvious statement (or perhaps not), but I looked over this piece of paper and was bowled over once again by what He did for me just last year. I didn't even remember everything, not to mention the amount He's done for me over my whole life! The list had the really big things to even the smallest things, but whether it was big, small or seemingly insignificant, there was so much to be thankful for.

I don't thank Him enough.

Already we've said goodbye to one month of 2010 and the list of thank you's is ever growing! There's not a single day that doesn't require thanks, just to be breathing and living another day is cause for thanks enough!

I don't understand Him. I don't understand why He helped me so much last year and will do this year and all the years of my life. Even the low points of last year I look back on with great thanks, because I learnt so much from them! Our God is a mystery, why does He bless us so much? Why is He so good to us? As if sending His son to die a brutal death on a cross wasn't enough, He blesses us every single day, whether you realise it or not. Whether you thank Him or not.

I can never thank Him enough for Jesus' death, I can never thank Him enough for the daily blessings He pours on me, including His daily grace and mercy-just to add to the pile.

Can you believe how generous our Father is? He just keeps on lavishing us with gifts, the gift of tough times, good times, new days, big things, little things and everything in between.

If that doesn't bowl you back, take your breath away and make you think, then you better take a proper good look at the cross and read about what God did for you and does for you, daily.

Thirsty?!

2010-01-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

Tom Shaw preached today on "Christus Exempler", it was a challenging and passionate preach, but it wasn't until the end that I really got choked up. Tom made a call for all those that were thirsty and wanted a fresh filling of the holy spirit to come forward. He said he thought it would effect a large number, but I'm not sure whether he thought the whole congregation would come forward!

As I took a look around there were only 5 or 6 people left in the rows and the rest of the church had come forward and spilled out into the aisles. I've seen this at Newday, Mobilise and other conferences but it was incredible to see the bride so passionate and thirsty. My family so thirsty, to know I'm in a passionate church.

As I looked around I was overwhelmed by the longing of the hearts around me and the desperation for more of God. It brought back to me a word I gave about a year ago:

"Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? I want your whole heart, I don't want to be a Sunday thing, I want to be in the 24 hours in everyday and in every decision you make."

It highlighted to me that the more thirsty we are and the more we seek God the more we grow as He gives us the Holy Spirit daily.

We need to be longing for God with our whole hearts and constantly running the race with passion and zeal. I'm not passionate enough everyday, I don't long for God desperately every day. As that word above says God needs to be in every decision in every minute and hour, in every day.

Strive to be passionate about God everyday, strive to long after Him, to be desperate for Him, strive for greater intimacy with God.

Run the race.

Melodious Truths...

2010-01-12T12:36:00.000-08:00

Jesus Culture, All I Need is You: www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvL6evyRFgY

Jesus Culture, How He Loves Us: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps&feature=PlayList&p=96CF8664E9009E00&index=0&playnext=1

Hillsong, This Is Our God: www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlrrHoM_tUU

Desiring God, John Piper

2009-12-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

So its Boxing Day, what to do, what to do...Read Desiring God, John Piper. I didn't get very far before I was challenged and had to think seriously about the statement written.

The chief end of God is to glorify God and enjoy himself forever.

WOW, second sentence in and I don't quite know what to make of it! Its an interesting statement, it may not seem particularly profound to you, but look at it again and think about it.

The chief end of God is to glorify God and enjoy himself forever.

Fresh Revelations of God's Love...

2009-11-23T03:25:00.000-08:00

One thing that really hit home over the w/e was God's love. It was a constant theme in each worship session and in my quiet times I was constantly reminded about.

On the last day our last worship session was filled with a real sense of the holy spirit and the room flooded with a true sense of joy at God's love. The only thing I could keep saying and realising is how ridiculous God's love is.

It is the most ridiculous and absurd love this world will ever know.

We're so unworthy and yet this amazing God who is all powerful and incredible, loves us!? Go figure. I can't comprehend, and nor do I think any of us can. Reading Isaiah this morning-we were cut off from God because of our sin

"The Lord is not too weak to save you, and he is not becoming deaf. He can hear you when you call. But there is a problem - your sins have cut you off from God." Isaiah 59:1-2

So what does He do? He sends Jesus to solve that problem. Hang on? If I were in that position, being a selfish human and all, I'd just destroy the whole race-Problem Solved. But no, this amazing, compassionate, loving God sent His only son, to die the most horrendous death. Not just because it was a gruesome crucifixion, but because He bore all the pain and suffering of our sins, every impure thought, every murder, every disgusting sin was impressed onto His fragile body, until His Father could no longer even look at Him. He felt more alone than anyone will ever feel and that's to save me? Personally, I don't think I'm worth that. I'd like to see anyone try and justify that they were.

How ridiculous is that?!

A great BIG, perfect God loves me! What have I ever done for Him? Or what will I ever do that will warrant this kind of love!?

This love is so amazing, I want to be constantly reminded of it, constantly impressed by it, taken aback and have it firmly stamped on my heart. I want there to be continual moments in my day where I just have to stop 'cos I'm hit by this incredible love. Daily fresh revelations of God's love is what I'm praying for.

Quit day dreaming and start being awestruck by this incredible love that God has for you.

Student and 20's w/e away-Love:Intimacy...

2009-11-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

So Friday 20th November, I hopped on a train back home, thoroughly excited and expectant for the following w/e with my hometown Students and 20's group. I love a good, peaceful (non-London) train journey, gives one time to reflect, get pensive and even read, if the thoughts get a little sparse!

Needless to say by the time we'd arrived I had high expectations and was very excited. To be honest it didn't meet my expectations, (by this point you're expecting me to say "it was better"-but that's cheesy) at least not in the way I expected. I purposely didn't want to limit God and expect Him to meet with us like every other meeting etc. I wanted to think as openly and vaguely as possible, because lets face it God is a great big God full of amazing creativity, so I was thinking broad-He could do anything! And not too shockingly, God surprised me! When doesn't He?! As if God could ever been labelled as predictable!

God met with us and definitely challenged me right through the day, even now as I'm back in my uni home the challenging continues. Whether it be from the pressing questions of how can I gain further intimacy with God and am I truly taking up my daily cross and if not, how can I? or whether it be from the personal challenges I'm facing.

God didn't meet with me and others like I expected, what I have found is that, everything learnt over the w/e is so relevant to my life here and that I'm actually going to see fruit from putting what I learnt into action, instead of looking back nostalgically over the weekend's experiences and living off of that. It's time to take the lessons learnt and use them, I want to see fruit, I want greater intimacy with God and I want to be publicly disgraced and mocked, so that I can be that one tiny percentage closer to being like Jesus. I feel almost like I should delete that statement, but God is my life and worth it all.

If you're going to do any self searching today or any probing, ask yourself this:

How can I gain a deeper intimacy with God?

Am I doing all I can to be like Jesus, am I picking up my cross and stepping out as far as possible?

John Piper on Prosperity Gospel

2009-11-14T15:35:00.000-08:00

This is a short clip that you have to listen to... John Piper talks briefly on the Prosperity Gospel.

Filled with passion and challenging thoughts, give it a listen its only a few minutes long and leaves me in awe every time I hear it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s

"God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him."

Listen to it and be changed, if it doesn't change you on the first listen, listen to it until it does.

Hey there stranger...

2009-11-07T12:33:00.001-08:00

Well, it's been a long time and there's so much to tell and and to share, but one thing that I can say is this: that one thing hasn't changed God is still faithful, God is still good and God is still amazing!

I've learnt so much over the last months about God and feel closer to God. When I feel so alone and upset with no-one else around I know that God is there and that He will never forsake me. I fail to see how people go through life without Him.

I'm currently reading Isaiah at the moment, would recommend it, it may seem scary because of the size but it definitely made me fall in love with God all over again and made me stand in awe at all the great things he's done for me!

It's only a short one, but I'll write something better next time.

Newday 2009...

2009-08-10T02:48:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to an event called Newday aimed at 12-18 year olds. It's a chance for them to be equipped on how to live lives for Jesus and to encounter God in new and amazing ways, that perhaps they've never experienced! (To find out more http://www.newday.xtn.org/)

Going as a steward, I'd got into the mindset of thinking I wasn't going to particularly receive much this year, and that I would just learn the humility of being a servant to all those young people. But as I got there, the 'magic' of Newday got into my blood, my heart started to change and I felt myself becoming more and more expectant. Throughout every meeting it was breathtaking to see the power of God working through so many people and seeing the holy spirit have such an impact, but as a steward you have to stay alert, so again my heart started to doubt that I would learn anything from Newday, or even encounter God in the way that these youth were.

But how wrong I was and how ashamed I am to have ever of doubted!

On one of the mornings I woke up at 5am to have a shower (a lukewarm/mediocre shower) and as I returned to my tent, I thought there would be no way that I would get back to sleep and so decided to go for a walk and talk with my wonderful God! I didn't get back until 8 and those 2 and a bit hours were amazing! God blessed me with the perfect place to walk (as I had prayed previously) and as I walked and talked with God, I just unfolded before Him. Something Stef Liston had mentioned the day before in one of his preaches. It was truly liberating, releasing and amazing to experience the holy spirit and have it highlight all the burdens I had been struggling with. I came back reluctantly to the campsite but had a joyous heart that carried me through the day.

It reminded me that the holy spirit is with us and that its not about the fancy meetings and the fancy stage it's about our daily walk with God. When we come expectant before God, He blesses us. I had a brilliant time, giving things over to Him and saying "Take it" and walking away lighter, freer, in the knowledge that God had taken my burdens.

When we give everything to God, He blesses us immensely. There is no-one greater, higher or better to give all your problems, dreams and thoughts to. Even though He already knows them all, making that declaration and taking that step of giving it to Him, is what He loves. I want to give Him everything, because He reigns, and His hands are the safest hands.

It's easy to say it, not so easy to do, but it's the greatest feeling!

So whatever you're holding onto that's weighing you down...let it go and give it to God.

Seeking God...

2009-07-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

For the past month or so I've been to a few planned, spontaneous and spontaneously planned prayer meetings and it has got to the point where I really need to blog about it!

Every prayer meeting, has had a different focus and has had incredible outcomes. It's so easy to be complacent with our lives and pray for ourselves, so its great to get excited about the bigger picture, from students-twenties-revival.

It's amazing how each time we've had a prayer meeting, God has faithfully met with us, even tonight as a few of us gathered together for a last minute prayer meeting God came powerfully and showered us with words! I went feeling lethargic and wanting to be elsewhere, yet praying desperately for a change of heart when I got there and man, did my heart change. It became so apparent that God wanted to break in and break our hearts for what breaks His, to have our hearts broken for the broken. To be ruined by God, completely. As the evening continued and people continued to step out in faith, both literally and spiritually, I felt the passion growing, the excitement increasing. I truly believe we all went away with fresh hearts, filled again and a new thirst and passion for our town and for other things on our hearts.

Every prayer meeting has been an amazing chance to step out in faith, whether it be the guy stepping out and running worship or the guy praying out for the first time. Each meeting has seen new fruit and new gifts being developed.

It's an exciting time.

God has faithfully met with us as He promised and each time I leave feeling refreshed and amazed at our amazing God. This last month has been an incredible month of growth, from seminars and preaches, to prayer meetings and theological meetings.

Yeah, theology-me! It's the most hypocritical thing ever! I used to hate theology, my thinking was : "I'll keep a child like faith, keep it simple and not go near the scary stuff.", (basically I thought it was too intellectual for me!) My friend loves theology, while he was doing a year for the church he used to constantly talk to me about theology and I would just nod. But now I see the importance of theology, of asking those uncomfortable questions, thank God that friend sowed that seed in me! Just the other day we had a session on single and double pre-destination, justification, sanctification and glorification and it was brilliant. To be able to discuss and look at those difficult and potentially scary subjects and break them down was so good. I'm thirsty for more. We may not have all the answers, but theology is so much more than just searching for the answers, it really gives you another perspective on God and highlights even more how fantastic He is. Theology has helped me strengthen my relationship with God because it makes me even more aware of what He's done for me.

God is a 24/7 thing and its important to have a continuing thirst for Him.

"Never be quenched, never be satisfied and be forever hungry"

...that's what I want to be like!

My challenge: let's run after God and seek Him in everything we do.

Together on a Mission/Mobilise...

2009-07-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Last week I headed off to sunny Brighton for 4 days of teaching, worshipping, learning and altogether exhaustion. It was an amazing 4 days and by the end of it I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained, but spiritually soaked!

I felt like a sponge, every preach and every worship session absorbing more and more information and learning more and more about our incredible God, for me it was an impossibility to come away from it feeling empty or even deprived of God's presence.

The work didn't stop after each loaded meeting, it continued far into the night, when each night we had to walk for half an hour to get to our car. God would continue to place things on my heart or challenge me on things said previously in the day.

By the end people were moaning about how tired they were (which is understandable), but the only thing I could think was "I'd rather feel like this everyday, having had the week I've had than being comfortable and having missed out".

Tom Shaw's preach on idols saw hundreds of people released from the grip of idols and Terry's series of preaches on New Frontiers, got everyone inspired and excited about the future of the church. The celebration on the last night, saw people letting go of their inhibitions and being undignified in worship, it was great to be able to dance and jump and go crazy with giving money away to the nations and to the future of the church. By the end of the night, I was buzzing, getting overexcited and emotional about seeing the gospel spread throughout the world.

Another highlight were the seminars that I went to. They helped me to learn not only more about God, but also more about myself-which lets face it, can't be a particularly bad thing.

The first seminar Together on a Mission by Steve and Anna Van Rhyn challenged both men and women, and inspired me and I'm sure most women, to be a wall rather than a door, an analogy that looked at two different types of women:

A door: swings, not concerned with depth, worries about beauty.

The wall: Strong, secure, support etc.

It made me want to strive for being the wall. And for the men, it challenged them to take the initiative and to take responsibility. Every woman was nodding their head at those points!(a very brief summary)

The second seminar Leadership, Life and Love by Steve and Debbie Tibbert was also really motivating, I've been to my fair share of leadership talks, but this one was different. I again learnt a lot more about myself, and learnt a lot about self-leadership as well as leadership in general. What came through most for me, was the honesty that Steve and Debbie had, it was refreshing to hear them talk so openly and honestly about past mistakes and the humility they had was also inspiring to hear.

There were so many highlights and although it was a truly shattering week, I can't imagine that a single heart wasn't left unchanged and that not a single person was left untouched by God.

It really was a spectacular week, that left me desperate to learn more about God and to continue to pursue Him and seek a deeper relationship with him. I left with greater friendships, after great times with friends, I left feeling challenged by God, by myself and by others and I left a truly changed person.

Take a listen... http://www.mobilise.xtn.org/resources/mobilise2009

Roadtripping Madness...

2009-06-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

Day 4, Llyn Gwynant, Wales... I'm sitting in a giant chair overlooking Lake Gwynant and looking at the valley fall into darkness while the sun sets behind it. Despite being attacked by midges and that occasional sound of a hidden car, nothing could be wrong with this setting. I love the dear simplicity of this place, knowing I have to leave here with so much still unexplored gives me a heavy heart.

Climbing Snowden I had the sensation of just how amazing God's creation is, and how clarity of mind can come from a few breathtaking mountains. I want to continue exploring despite my heavy and weary limbs. I will return to this place or one very much like it one day, and I pray God's beauty will still be shown here-even if, amazingly, it is only a fraction of his beauty.

Snowden was glorious, gloriously painful but the view was sublime. No photo can do it justice and no words can fully describe it. Seeing it made me long for heaven all the more and the idea that it will be far more spectacular is just crazy!

I learnt surprisingly a lot over this roadtrip, it reaffirmed that God is an incredibly talented and beautiful creator. It made me unbelievable grateful for all that He's done and it made me realise how shamefully I don't thank him enough.

I can't tell you how good God is and how amazing He really is, because just like those mountain views, no words can possibly describe Him!

Roadtripping Madness...Day 3

2009-06-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I may have skipped a few days (and started on day 3) but this is where I started writing anything remotely interesting or bloggable!

To put it into context for you...Me and my friend Emily went on a roadtrip lasting 10 days (the last 10 days just gone) around Wales and England...from S. Wales - N. Wales - Lake District - Bath (and other places). So Day 3, Llyn Gwynant, Wales...

There's something about the places I've seen so far in Wales that leave me breathless, awestruck and inspire me to think about God and do more for him. It's easy to see and understand why people get so inspired after seeing such beautiful places, yet it is equally baffling as to how people can't and don't see God behind such astounding creativity.

Whilst walking in the Welsh countryside, up mountains, through trees, jumping, climbing and walking, my adventurous side came out and I wanted to walk to the top of every peak, climb every cliff face and stand at the top of each and look down at what God has created. When standing on the top of the Sugar Loaf Mountain (I'm classing it as a mountain) I was taken a back by its beauty. Emotion and the presence of God hit me, so much so that I just had to walk and praise him.

It inspired that adventurous spark in me, that seems invisible at all other times. It sparks that bit of adventure that has remained suppressed in my urban lifestyle. No part of my hometown leaves me wanting to explore more, find more-I've seen it all and know it all by heart. I've regressed back to being childish here, having little or no fear for what might happen if I fall or if I'm stung because I just want to explore more and more of God's creation. I suddenly envy Pocahontas!

It's funny how such a little thing such as green, lush valleys can ignite something new in me, give me back that old sense of adventure that I can't wait to go somewhere else and do something new. Travelling is on my heart and once again I'm reminded how much I love God's creation.

It's so easy to be complacent in our comfort zones, whether it be spiritually or just to sit back and relax too much. We need to wake up and be on our toes, complacency just leads to stagnation and no-one likes to be stagnant!

Laptop Sabbatical continued...

2009-06-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

Right, well I still haven't got my laptop back but I have learnt a thing or two without it and I still am. I felt it was time to write about it, as I have had other challenges and other ideas to write about.

I always knew not having a laptop would be a challenge but sadly, I never realised quite how much I would miss it. How sad is that? Although, realistically I'm sure you can empathize with me, and there is some sort of technology you would miss if it got taken away from you/broke etc.

During the first few days of having no laptop, I borrowed one every now and then, but for the majority of the time I had none. What I noticed most was the deafening silence. It amazed me that actually I spent every minute of every day filling the silence with music or talk, as if the silence was an enemy, whereas actually it turned out to be a beloved friend (cheesy I know). Sitting in silence helped me collect my thoughts, think things through and hear God's voice clearer. I've blogged on silence before but, as with a lot of things, I forget about them and become a hypocrite! Without my laptop I was able to do what Jesus himself did so often "...withdrew to lonely places and prayed" Luke 5:16 (NIV) and it was incredible what a bit of silence and a lot more free time can do.

Fortunately or unfortunately, whatever way you look at it, my laptop broke during exam time, a time that to be honest I just constantly worry, particularly with these ones. So to be able to sit in peace and quiet and cry and pour my heart out to God, was the best medicine and the greatest cure!

God was amazing over my exams, seriously...I prayed for particular subjects to come up and they did! He calmed any nerves and helped me to go into each exam with a sense of peace that "surpasses all human understanding" (Philippians 4:6-7). I learnt more about God's character and about how amazing He is. I have gotten closer to Him and have enjoyed my quiet times so much more and have had so much more time for Him-enabling me to do more than just read a quick verse and shortly forget about it, but to actually study it etc.

Having just said all of the above however, it wasn't/isn't entirely easy. I struggle with trying to 'fit' God in sometimes, when actually I have so much time for Him, that I waste with other things. Since I've been back from uni, I've had a laptop at my disposal for a lot of the day, and that temptation can sometimes take over again and I end up wasting my day on youtube etc.

I still miss my laptop, but I do love the freedom of not having it as well. It's amazing what God has done in me and how I have changed even just through not having a laptop, I never thought I would learn so much! It hasn't been easy, and I often do find anything to do but a quiet time, a lot of the time it is unconsciously. But I don't understand why. Why do we tend to slot God in, at a particular time, shouldn't He been in every part of every day?

Even as I type I'm thinking "I'm such a hypocrite" and no doubt, you're probably thinking the same about me also. But hear me out...

We have an amazing God, and although sometimes practically it may seem impossible, I actually think its not. Think about it, whatever you're doing, you can still pray and communicate with God. He sacrificed Jesus, in order to make it very easy for us to talk to Him. I love how well God knows us, He makes it easy because He knows how preoccupied and badly we prioritise things.

So I guess, my challenge to myself and to you, is to strive to make God an every minute of everyday thing, rather than an 8pm-8.15pm kind of thing.

I do miss my laptop, but I would miss the times with God a lot more if I went back to my old ways of constantly being distracted. So, I've learnt what a hold technology can have on me and I'm loving God more and more.

So when I do get my laptop back...God is and always will be first. Quiet times, will be just that, QUIET! I've learnt I don't need to fill the silence, I can hear God better in it and that making time for Him is soo worth it. There is no contest.

Laptop Sabbatical...

2009-05-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

Nothing lasts forever, well in this world anyway.

Materialism is something that effects all of us, as it's all around us everyday and technology is another area in which we are effected by everyday. It's not until we give up or loose a piece of technology that we notice how much we rely on it.

My laptop broke last night, and although I'm using another laptop at the moment, it does mean 2 weeks if not longer without a laptop, something that I use everyday. When it broke to be honest I wasn't that bothered, I'm looking on it as an experience and an opportunity to fill my time more constructively, rather than wasting my time away on Facebook and MSN (maybe in a few days I won't have the same attitude!) But it's given me the chance to reflect upon how much I seem to rely on it and use it, time where I could be talking to God and praying into things OR even revising!

My laptop tends to distract me and fills the silence also, I got back from an exam today and just sat chatting to God, whereas before I would have got my laptop out and sat watching something useless. The silence, although relatively rare in my uni halls was relaxing and it allowed me to actually be able to hear God clearer and to think clearer, instead of filling every waking second with music.

I guess my challenge today, as I go to shut off this laptop and go back to my laptopless life, is this...

What piece of technology can you 'not' live without?

What is it that you take everywhere with you? Could you give it up and will you?

If you gave up something you use regularly, you may be surprised at the way it can change and effect your lifestyle and make your relationship with God better or it could just allow you to spend your time more constructively. Seriously have a think about it and give something (technology etc) up today!

Now that I don't have my laptop, I can see the benefits that will come from it and when I next blog again (whenever that may be) maybe you'll see a difference. I will let you know.

Now, it's time to turn the laptop off and go on a laptop sabbatical and learn more about that fantastic God of mine!

Being in love....with God!

2009-05-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

A new revelation hit me recently and thinking about it, it's pretty simplistic but to me it's made me view my relationship with God differently.

Thinking recently about being single and being in love, they're often put as two separate things, they exist on their own or if you're single and in love (a love that's not returned), it's generally a hopeless case (I know that's not 100% right)!

Being in love is generally best left to the people that have someone to love and to have that someone love them back. Being in love is an amazing thing, it hurts at times but it makes people happy, so why can't a singleton have that? I want it! And I have it!

Being in love means you get shivers and butterflies thinking about them, seeing them, hearing them, you see a place and it instantly reminds you of them, they're on your mind constantly and you never want to hurt them, if you hurt them you want to make it up to them, you're desperate to gain their trust and their love back. Isn't it like that with us and God?

I may not be in love with anyone but it doesn't mean I can't taste what love is like, and still enjoy being in love with an amazing God. It's not a romantic love, it's an indescribable love, but the conventions are all still there.

When God heals someone or I hear an amazing testimony or He speaks to me I get butterflies, I get shivers...I'm amazed (if you couldn't tell from the latest entries!) I love hearing from God and I'd love to see His face.

I go to places and I see His beauty there and I'm reminded of Him.

Although He's not on my mind 24/7 I'd love to make it that way and be that focused on Him.

When I sin, I feel awful because I've hurt Him, and I love Him so much, I'd hate to lose Him and although God says He will never leave me, I want to make it up to Him, I want to strive to at least TRY and be better, even though we both know I'll never be perfect and I will always fall short! To put it better and definitely more poetically...

"To love the Lord your God, and to walk in all his ways...to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul" Joshua 22:5

So I'm loving being in love! I may not be the most intellectual person, or the most theologically minded (I'll probably get told this blog isn't theologically sound!) but whether or not this makes sense one thing is for sure...

I love God He is the ultimate listener, the ultimate artist, the ultimate friend, father and saviour and it's good to know that He loves me infinitely more and that it is unrequited.What more could you want? It doesn't get much better than that!!

A Few Revelations...

2009-05-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

It's been weird being at home, revision has been amazingly difficult and procrastination is my favourite hobby. Whilst I've been back, I've gone through a reminiscing time, thinking over all the decisions I made and looking over past situations.

Throughout every blunder, every foolish mistake and indeed throughout all the fantastic memories and the good times there is one thing that is common with all of them, one thing that has been there in each of those things and that is God. God has a plan, He has plans for us, plans for good not for harm. He is a God that cares about us, and though it may not seem like it at the time, it is all in His plan. Looking back on some mistakes I made I see clearly now how God used those bad experiences for the better. It's amazing how he completely turned those mistakes around and now I am a changed person and (I hope) for the better.

He brought me out of dark places and set me back on the right path (excuse however cheesy that sounds) He really is a saviour! It is amazing how in a desperate place He is there and that when bad situations come in the long run He has a plan, meaning you can look back and see the fruit of it.

One of the joys of being home and indeed one of the reasons I came home was to go on a walk to my favourite place. That sounds really twee I know, but it's a place that is filled with beauty and God's creativity never ceases to amaze me as I walk through it. Whilst sitting on a log (yes I am a hippie) I was astounded at God's beauty in all creation and I was amazed at the intricate detail of each plant and to think heaven is infinitely more beautiful...can't wait!

Whilst sitting reading about David and Goliath it hit me...We all go through Goliath sized problems, but just like David we can defeat them because we've got God on our side. When we come up against fear and temptations we can defeat them with God as the stone from our sling shot (as it were). God continues to astound me and I love it! He is a faithful God who answers big prayers and answers little prayers!

I guess it's repetitive, but whatever...God is amazing and He is worthy of praise!

An amazing God...

2009-05-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

This week has been a week of God continually showing me how amazing He is. I have been struck constantly in different areas of my daily life by how incredible our God is. Something that made me awestruck was the following extract from Incomparable (Andrew Wilson):

"Try sitting completely still. You are not allowed to move anything except your eyes. Ready?
Almost everything about you is changing right now, even as you sit completely still. Your body is changing, as every second you produce 25 million cells, and your brain processes 100 million new pieces of information. Your location is changing at a rate of 66,000 miles per hour along with the rest of the large lump of rock we call the earth. This lump of rock is itself changing all the time, with the earth's crust moving continuously, continents changing shape, and Mount Everest growing 5 cm every year. The sun, probably the largest and most steady object you know anything about, is changing rather more dramatically: it is now 50 million tonnes lighter than it was when you started reading this paragraph. Everything changes."
How amazing is that? That God created such amazingly, intricate things and although there is constant change in the world...He never changes! God is unchangeable. That's just one way that I've been struck by His amazingness this week!

He's answered my prayers, prayers that were very little in the grand scheme of things, yet were important to me and it showed to me even more that I have a God who loves and cares for ME.

The third thing was at church today, it was amazing to see so many people worship an awesome God and on top of that 3 healings and 9 people giving their lives to God, all reinforced how amazing He is.

We have a God that loves us deeply, who reigns forever, over all things and who knows everything about us.

How amazing is our God?!

God, the comedian!

2009-05-06T16:02:00.001-07:00

I know that this may be repetitive by now, but we do have an amazing God and yet again He has shown it to me today.

As I was going through my drawers I found all my old notes with words from God and pictures/words from others they felt over me and my life. It was so encouraging to read them and remind myself that God has a plan, and that there is an aim, there is a focus in my life. Whilst reading over them God highlighted a certain one to me, that was so relevant to what I was facing.

After sitting for what must have been hours trying to do my essay, I have to say I felt so dejected when all that ended up on the piece of paper was a few notes, that were not going to give me the 2,500 words I needed. I felt stupid,unintelligent and I think I actually begged God for a brain!! So I turned to my daily reading and it was then that I realised God's humour and how God works in mysterious ways. I'm currently reading Incomparable by Andrew Wilson and today was "God the Creator" as I continued to read through it there was an overwhelming sense of relevancy and when I reached the very end of the chapter I realised God's humour in it all and His superb sensibility to my emotions...

"If God carefully designed every diatom, how much more can we be sure that he made us, his people, carefully and wonderfully!...An even more astonishing example of God's craftsmanship is the human brain, perhaps the most baffling and amazing created thing on earth: The human brain is heralded for its staggering complexity and processing capability...the storage capacity of the human brain is nearly infinite...During our life-time, our brain will have amassed...to more than five times the amount of the total printed material in the world!" (pg. 38, Incomparable)

It just spoke to me and made me see how intricately He has designed my brain, and even if it didn't seem to be flowing at that moment, it just made me sit back and laugh.

He loves it when we come to Him, God has an awesome sense of humour, an acute sensibility to every emotion and situation and even better He has the solution! When we feel weak, all we need to remember is...

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

He showed me today that when we feel weak we have Him, I wrote that verse on my hand and for the rest of the day I was reminded that Christ is in me, and my strength is not mine alone, but His. Today God has shown me His diverse character, the greatest comedian of all is, by far God. The more I learn of God the more I love Him.

So I guess, if a challenge is to be given it is this...

How well do you know God?

How much do you want to get to know Him?

(It should be a burning desire, a passion for all of us, for He took the time to create us and takes the time to care for us...I think He deserves the effort! Don't you?)

God is amazing!

2009-05-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been back at uni for just over a week now and God has blessed me incredibly. I just can't believe how awesome a God He is! I don't deserve His blessings and yet He lavishes them on me and continues loving me, He is an amazing Father.

I can't help but feel my low spirits rise when I hear worship songs declaring His name, when I listen closely to the songs I hear the truth in each one and it makes me want to sing louder and louder. Being left on my own to revise, with not a soul around is a little lonesome-as I start to wonder what they're doing and I start to wish I was included, but then I hear those beautiful words of a worship song and I can't help but feel joy in my heart. Each one is declaring a different aspect of how awesome my God is...

"You are all that I need, you are all that satisfies me, what can the world offer me now? This is life, this is hope ... I am free."

...Words like that, bring a smile to my face and make my heart leap and my spine shiver...I have a God who is AMAZING!!

What more do I need in this life?? He is my sustainer, He is the reason I am here, He is the reason I stay strong and when I'm weak He is the hand that picks me up and walks with me. He is an awesome God.

I've wanted to write a blog entry for ages, but felt I had nothing profound to write, all I find myself wanting to write is how amazing this God is of mine! This is my bit of profound insight...

I know and love an awesome, mighty God who...loves ME...can you believe it?...Yet even crazier and even greater is this...Not only does He love me, He loves you too, whoever you are, whatever you've done, whatever you believe or don't believe...He loves you!

I wish I could write how much my heart is full of joy with God's love, despite the fact I feel emotionally shaken and tested. How the two can coincide is a mystery only answered by God, He helps me focus on Him and eradicate all other fears, worries, problems, for He is glorious and I love Him.

"Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever" Psalms 106:1 AMEN!

Single in the City...

2009-04-25T04:51:00.000-07:00

I sat on the floor in a friend's room last night and realised that it wasn't a song playing, it was a preach from Mobilise 2007 (A conference for student and twenties with New Frontiers) and whilst listening to it, we began to realise how on the ball it really was and how it amazingly fitted into our lives.

It was preached by Adrian Holloway with the title Single in the City and while it is wrapped up in beautiful biblical truth it is just as applicable to non-Christians as Christians. He talks straight up and bluntly, directly to men and women and hits the sore patches that need to be addressed.

He describes exactly what women want: a decisive, holy man and what men want: a holy, attractive woman etc. He looks at the downfalls of the expectations each sex have of the other...The Christian Brad Pitt is mentioned(!) and it is a great insight into how to live a glorious single life for God. There are some great anecdotes and is blunt, helpful and really encouraging.

So check it out... http://nf1.2xstreamhosting.com/~newfrontiers/lc07/MB02.mp3

(if that doesn't work try this... http://www.mobilise.xtn.org/resources/mobilise2007)

EXCITED...EXCITED...EXCITED!!!!

2009-04-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

I got excited yesterday and today and hopefully tomorrow...because (and this is a profound revelation!) my God is an awesome God. He is AMAZING!

I went to bed praying for little things like good weather in the morning so that I would enjoy my walk to the dentist, I prayed that I wouldn't get lost in the hospital and I prayed for a load of other little bits, the usual sort of thing. So when I woke up and the weather was beautiful I was thankful, when I didn't get lost in the hospital I was thankful...God blessed me soooo much yesterday, with how He answered my silly little prayers.

And then I just got excited, it was like a fresh revelation, whilst singing along to Hillsongs I felt excited, I felt like a kid does at Christmas, I felt like I do at Christmas-excited!! Excited about God's love, about what He's done for me! We have a God who has done so much for us, a God who listens to us no matter what we are saying or how long for (and He knows that I talk a lot). I couldn't wait to go to church today, even though I would be a visitor I was still excited to stand once again in His presence. I was just overwhelmed yesterday by the fact that God's presence was in my house, was in my kitchen and made me want to scream, jump up and down, dance, laugh, cry, kneel...everything and anything!!

I for one don't get excited often enough about what He does for me! He is an amazing God, why are we not excited?? Why do we not live everyday being excited? I want to wake up everyday with that feeling of excitement and with the feeling of shivers down my spine at the thought that I have a God who loves me! I am officially excited about God, don't get me wrong I've always been excited about Him, after all how can you not?...God deserves everything I've got and I am excited about giving Him everything, just as I am excited about being loved by Him. It is so easy to let the excitement slowly fade and vanish away, but we need these 'fresh revelations', these renewals, to remind us what it was first like when we became Christians. I felt like a child again, like I was 7 years old and had just given my life to God and wanted to tell everyone and anyone around!

So I guess my challenge today, is one that I am going to challenge myself on more often...

How excited are you today about God?

Where's your excitement? Where's your sense of childish excitement?

Do you long to be excitedly hungry and thirsty for a God who is greater and better than ALL things?

I want to wake up everyday with a burning passion that gets me excited, that gets me feeling like a kid on Christmas Day. I know that troubles will come and the excitement may come under pressure, but I still want to strive to be excited, I still want to wake up breathing in the presence of my awesome God. I know that this may be a rambling post (what one's aren't?) with perhaps no strong theology or biblical background, but just put it down to being childishly excited about an awesome God!

I'm excited...what about you?

(Sorry I used the word excitment/excited etc so much, it begins to grate after the first 15 times I know!)

Nostalgia and Encouragment an unlikely pair...

2009-04-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was a bit of a nostalgic day to say the least. With strange things from my past testing me to be wise and to make the right decisions. But the highlight of my day was seeing a friend I haven't seen in a long while. I've really missed her, but it wasn't until I saw her that I really felt the full weight of how much.

Her whole character inspired me and motivated me to continue with all that I am doing and she probably doesn't know it, but she was/is a breath of fresh air-however cheesy that sounds! She's so bubbly and so happy and optimistic it just reminded me that there are few people in this life that pick us up or help us out and we need to cherish them as much as we can.

We all need someone, to look to, to go to and to follow. Whether they be one in the same person or whether they be three different people. It's good to follow someone in the sense of looking to someone and seeing how they do things and adapt how you yourself would do things. It's good to have someone to look to that is spiritually strong and someone that you can go to with any problems.

God covers every area, but whilst there are still humans around and there are still Godly men and women to be had, let's make the most of it and follow those that cane be an example and strive to reach the potential that God wants us to reach.

Here's where I stray a little...

All throughout the bible there are verses about encouraging one another, it's one of those things that I feel today is slightly neglected. We assume people don't need encouraging as a lot of people seem to be fairly self assured. We live in a sarcastic society, sarcastic insults are a split second thing that we believe has no long lasting effects and encouraging each other sometimes seems unnecessary.

Paul was continually encouraging the church with his letters and with his actions. Likewise, we need people to be like that for us and we need to be like that to others. We need to be good friends to others and lend encroaching words as often as possible in a way that is most likely going to mean a lot to someone. A little encouragements goes a long way. Here are a couple of challenges/statements that got my ol' cogs working...

Proverbs 28:23-"In the end, people appreciate frankness over flattery". Everyone needs a friend or more than one friend to be straight with them, even if it causes a little hurt.

"Does my butt look big in this"..."Yes" (such a poor example, I know!)

It's better to be honest and straight, then to let your friend go out looking stupid and in the long run, they end up feeling worse because you didn't tell them the truth. On deeper levels and on a less superficial basis you need good, strong (well rooted) friends that can challenge you on sensitive issues, that help shape you better and help build your character.

Proverbs 12:25-"Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up". Everyone wants to hear something reassuring in a time of need, a few positive words can make all the difference.

Making friends and being a good friend has no scientific calculation it's give a lot and take a lot, it's about balance it's about encouraging one another. It's about building each other up, not tearing each other apart.

Who are you going to encourage today?

Silence...

2009-04-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

When are we ever in silence?

In this metropolis that we call London, there never seems to be a moment's silence, urban sounds run throughout our lives, whether it be the cars on the roads, the planes in the sky or the very sound of music and media in our ears and on our minds. Being British I'm sure the very thought of silence immediately equals awkwardness and the imminent urge to fill it with something.

When was the last time you sat in silence?

It seems like an odd action to take, just to sit in silence and think or just enjoy the peace, amongst our everyday lives there is very little time for such a menial thing. Today I was watching an interesting documentary and during the break the player cut out and I was left in silence, the silence was deafening and was almost oppressing, it was then that it hit me.

When was the last time I was in silence?

When was the last time that I enjoyed the silence and didn't fill it with music or mindless ramblings of my thoughts to myself.

I don't enjoy the silence enough, I don't take the time to just sit and listen, to the atmosphere, to the noises of London. 'Cos let's face it, in the urban landscape that is my home it's is an impossibility or at least a complete rarity that there is complete silence-no cars, no chavs, no planes...nothing.

So I guess what challenge I can make, however pathetic it does sound, my challenge is this:

The next time you find yourself in silence or a quiet place, don't reach for the mp3 player in your pocket, or the remote control for the TV, sit and enjoy the peace and quiet and make the most of it.

I know I need to.

"I shall conquer this"...

2009-04-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's difficult living in this world. And no, that's not a new revelation, but it's an increasingly obvious concept that is pressing upon me the more time I spend with non-Christians. I'm not condemning them, but it does get harder to be an example and to bring glory to God around them.

I love being back home, because I miss my school friends dearly...the infamous 5 particularly and many others. I can't wait to see them again on Wednesday, but I know the same old challenges will arise. The challenge to stand out and bring glory to God, the challenge not to feel lonely when they all talk of their loves, of how lovely they are, of how romantic and how awesome they are. It makes it hard to talk to them about the love of my life...Jesus, because it isn't something that they can relate to, and lets face it, it's a little cheesy. It's especially difficult when to be honest I have two burdens going on at the moment, frantically battling inside of me, the devil trying to get me to despair over them.

But in all things, I have to rely on and depend upon my God. But it isn't always that easy is it? I am displeased with this world, I am displeased with this life I live.

In in the words of Mr. Darcy himself..."I shall conquer this". These burdens, I will eradicate, I will conquer and I shall come out the other side a better person, a stronger woman and hopefully, will not encounter the burdens again. Yet I know that they are common place burdens and they are likely to return.

But one lives in hope. Heavenly hope, heavenly assurance. Ahhh to taste heaven and to have no more pain or suffering!

Doris Day...

2009-04-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

I want to be Doris Day.

Let's face it, who wouldn't? She's beautiful, can sing amazingly, act and looks amazing in any outfit she wears! In some respects I'd love to think I'm actually a bit of a Calamity Jane, completely tomboyish but when it counts, I can look and act female. Well, that at least was what I used to be like.

So yeah, there's my new life long ambition, to be like Doris Day-all singing, all dancing, all acting and all looking Doris Day.

So watch out world...here comes a wanna be Doris Day...ahhh if only!

I was planning on writing something profound and challenging, but Doris Day fever took over and all profound and amazing wisdom went out the window, with, I believe my sanity.

Maybe I can find a tenuous link that will turn out wise...

nope.

There was a brief glimmer of hope, but that's it...I want to be Doris Day!

"A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear"...

2009-04-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

"A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear" I have to agree, I love nothing more than to smile and smile often. Today I wasn't able to do so very much, I had to model a t-shirt and help a friend out with a project, meaning I had to do the "pensive look", which is pretty alien to me!

I love photos, I love taking them and being in them. But it seems more and more that I seem to get the same stigma attached to me of being vain. I'd love to deny it, but most people would argue a good case of the fact that I'm tagged on Facebook in over 2,000 photos and that I probably have a million and one other photos elsewhere.

(I did have a point to this blog, but now it seems to have gone deeper inside of me and no longer seems like something to bring back up.)

I will say this, that vanity and confidence seem to often get themselves mixed up, people with confidence can come across arrogant and vain and those that are vain come across confident, mostly with themselves.

For me confidence in myself is something I have least of, confidence that God will bring out the best in me-that I have, confidence that people know who I am because of my family-I've relied on that for years.

Vanity-I see myself as a sculpture or an unfinished painting, there's always improvements to be made, and there's always imperfections. But the artist and creator seems to know what He's doing nonetheless. Is that vanity?

An artist's work is never done, likewise God isn't finished with this piece of art that is me. One day he will have finished every delicate layer and intricate detail, but until that day I am an imperfect, unfinished, work in progress.

Wisdom Recession...

2009-04-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

It's weird, everything seems so clear when I'm back home. All the decisions I have been meaning to make are made easier back home, I'm able to think more of how my future is to pan out and what I can do in certain situations. But when I'm back at uni it all goes wrong, the decisions I made seem to fade away and their importance gets knocked further back.

I'm sure I was wiser 2 years ago, uni has made me soft in some places and strong in others, all might I add in the wrong areas of life. Decisions and situations that are now becoming more and more frequent I seem to be getting worse at handling.

I thought they said wisdom comes with age? Then what screwed up recession is going on here? They talk of economic recession, I think I'm experiencing a wisdom recession-a lapse in wisdom.

But there is always the hope that I can rectify things and that thanks to God, I can change and make crucial changes. I am going to need His help ASAP and I need the effects to be just as quick, although I know that it is more likely to be something that involves patience.

Now that I'm home, I'm seeing this all so much clearer, if only I'd seen it all when I was at uni and then I wouldn't be writing this blog, I wouldn't be getting into the mess I'm in/or am likely to get into.

My only constant hope is this: that in all my failings, there is a perfect God that helps mend all my ('nets') problems, whether it means hard work, pain or something easier. It's still a relief.

Austen's Persuasion...

2009-03-31T15:33:00.000-07:00

I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You piece my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his lover has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in

F.W.

I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.

F.W is Fredrick Wentworth writing to Anne Elliot in Jane Austen's Persuasion, no matter how many times I read that, it blows me away. Austen really sets the bar for idealistic romance, she sets the level of romance high and beyond what seems achievable anymore.

Whether you love literature or not, you have to love that letter, just for the pure honesty and raw emotion behind it. Ahhhh I love it.

Literature is an escape from this world to another.

Who said chivalry is dead?

2009-03-29T06:09:00.000-07:00

With a world continually spiralling downwards, with war, suffering and injustice around every corner, it's not difficult to hear and make the assumption that "chivalry is dead".

But last night I have the proof to contradict it and to give a little hope to all those out there that want to see more chivalry...

In every club you get pervs-the leering men that think that women are just a piece of meat or 'another one to add to the list' and some women willingly encourage them. But when out with your brother and sisters in Christ it's nice to know that the guys, act as brothers in Christ. I have to say that these guys were all gentlemanly and chivalry. Taking care of each girl and making sure they were cautious and careful, keeping an eye out for those guys that don't even know what chivalry is anymore. Whether it meant swapping places, standing behind them (girls) or just generally being protective, last night showed that there are guys out there that love their sisters in Christ (as sisters) and do the right thing and protect them.

Newday 2007 a general word was given for the boys-

"Brothers don't be passive, protect your sisters in Christ"

I never really saw much fruit amongst the younger guys with concerns to this word, but the older ones seem to have it down. Whilst not always perfect (no-one is) they acted in a way that I know not only I noticed, it is that word down to a tee. I know it may not seem like much to them and perhaps it's just a normal part of their character, but in my own way, I think they deserve a mention, a big thanks and a pat on the back for protecting their sisters.

For the guys last night, the guys to follow their example and all those that want to learn how to be more chivalrous, this blog was for you.

Time...

2009-03-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

I've just got back from a morning of lectures and it was the last lecture that got my creative thought processes going. We had a guest speaker who was French and did admittedly sound like Stephen Hawking. But it was a pretty good lecture and I was impressed at the courage he had, to talk his views through in a second language and what I enjoyed even more was the biblical elements he added to it, as he quoted great verses from the Bible, it was impossible not to smile!

So whilst telling us about Shakespeare, an important theme came up...Time. It made the slow cogs in my mind turn and think seriously about time. A topic poets have long written about, singers have sung about and people have thought about and always will. Time never seems to be in abundance, yet we seem to waste it so much it's easy to get the opposite impression. Even now I'm up against the clock, as I have a lecture (again) in half an hour and these thoughts need to motivate my hands to type faster-not that any of this will be particularly profound!

I've spent a whole weekend neglecting time, by reading and relaxing, yet I do wonder whether that is a neglection (yes it's a word ish) of my time, I know others would think so. In the grand scheme of things, life isn't short, despite what people say it's not life that's short, it's time that makes it seem so. I know that in just a few months my first year at uni will have gone and this blog will be in an archive of many many blogs.

I guess we need to learn to treasure time, to make the most of it. To live life to the full and to live meaningful lives-find Jesus and you'll know meaning, believe me!

Because..."Life's not the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away" I love that saying, because I wish every moment was like that, (although I would be very short of breath all of the time) or at least that I would learn to make the most of my time and be grateful for it.

Yeah, so that's it, I don't have time to type any more. (Cheesy!)

At the foot of the cross...

2009-03-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

We all need to come back to the cross, at some point of other in our lives. It should be something we come back to daily, something we think of all the time. Yet, with the business of our everyday lives, it's so easy to forget why we're all here and what the basis of our faith depends upon.

Church today looked at impossibilities and how God makes promises to us, to overcome them. We were told the miraculous stories of new children being born, through the impossibility of infertility and reminded how God is "in the adoption business", that we are adopted into His family and are His children. It was a great preach and a great time of fellowship, but it's always easy to take it away and forget it by the time you reach the ol' homestead, which admittedly I did. But while listening to Lifehouse (a great band, check them out) I was reminded of a skit (such an American word) that some people had done to show Jesus' love for us, to one of the band's songs, Everything:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Please, if there is one thing you do today, check this out.

It brought me back to the cross, and showed me how much God loves me. It shows how He loves us so much He doesn't give up on us, but is always there, through each heavy sin we have in our lives, through every trial and in our darkest hour. It shows how He is continually pulling us to come closer to Him, through the misty haze of sin He keeps pulling and pulling, when all seems hopeless He is the hope, pulling and pulling. When all seems lost He keeps pulling, until He has you in His arms and even then it's not over. He sent His only son, to take all the weight of those sins and put them on Himself, until He could take no more and died. But our God is a God of impossibilities and Jesus rose again 3 days later. Just so that we could be with Him. So we can walk beside Him again, hand in hand and side by side. Isn't that just overwhelmingly amazing?

It is incomprehensible why someone so righteous, glorious and worthy would spend time taking me from darkness just to walk alongside Him, just so I can be His daughter. I'd love to think it's my personality and good looks (ha) that is the reason God wants to be my friend, but He created all that's about me and when I look at it, how can I come before the King of Kings. How can I have the audacity to speak to one so high and mighty?

It's simple in God's eyes, He loves me. He loves you, whether you know it or not. He loves you unconditionally and that is something I don't think I will ever understand, I don't think we're meant to. Knowing all of this, knowing how much my God loves me and wants me, there is nothing I can do but fall on my knees with my face down, in awe of Him. For He is glorious and He is an amazing Father. He made the ultimate sacrifice, that caused the maximum pain and I want to repay Him, I never can and never will be able to, because it's far too immeasurable a thing to 'repay'. But He has my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life seeking first the kingdom of God and living for Him.

So that one day, one day I can walk into heaven and see Him there in all His glory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Simplicity in a story...

2009-03-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite books in the bible is 1 Samuel 3, not because it's short but because of how simple it is, yet packed full of biblical examples of what we should be like and realism.

Lying in bed Samuel hears a voice, not only does he respond, he actually gets up. How is that in anyway amazing?

Well, to me it shows that he could be bothered to get up! So much of our lives are consumed by apathy and laziness (I know I fall victim to this), if someone called my name I think I'd probably roll over and continue sleeping! It also shows that we need to be continually responsive and continually alert to what God is saying to us just as Samuel was, because just as Samuel proves, you never know when and what God is going to speak to you.

And then later on it all 'pays off' when v19 says "As Samuel grew up, the Lord was with him and everything Samuel said was wise and helpful". So when we listen to God, He blesses us, just as He did with Samuel. Let's face it, what an awesome thing to have said about you "everything Samuel said was wise and helpful" I'd love it if everything I said was likewise, 'cos I'm pretty sure most of the time I speak rubbish.

Amazing what a simple story can teach us and that it's those stories that so often we can glance over and not take notice. That's why I love the Bible, it's so much more than just words, it's got so much more depth to it.

God, Guys, Architecture and Questions...

2009-03-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know my last blog commended you guys out there and was sympathetic towards you but I feel like I should take it all back. The amount of heartbreak I've heard of over the last couple of days has been immense and as much as I hate to say it, pretty much 90% of the time it was the guy doing the breaking, the manipulating and taking advantage of the girl's heart. But I guess you can blame the girls for falling into the continual trap. Its an endless cycle of heartbreak.

But moving on to greener pastures...I've finished all my many essays and now feel a little freer! I spent the whole of today reading, sitting on a window sill admiring God's glorious sunshine. On Wednesday we went spontaneously to the beach and I was (as per usual) breath taken by the scenery, I love the beach and it never fails to amaze me. I'm like a kid with it, the sea and sand are amazingly good sources of entertainment, God knows me too well!!

Wednesday was a basically a day of having my breath taken away, as I walked around Canterbury Cathedral it was continually striking-the architecture, the clear blue sky and the overwhelming sense of history behind it. Everything, all of it combined made me reflective and pensive and think what an amazing God we have, that someone would build such an awe-striking Cathedral to try and show one snippet of how amazing He is.

What have I done to show how amazing He is? I know it's not about works, but I never thank Him enough (and never will), I never praise Him enough, when every word and action I say and do should be a reflection of it.

He saved me from despair and heartbreaking situations, I'm listening to the song that reminds me what He has brought me out of and what would have been a completely different life. I owe Him everything and I want to spend the rest of my life continually thanking Him.

How will you spend your life? Will yours be a life that is continually thankful or continually bitter? One that looks back at what could have been, with a mournful sigh or one that looks to the future with a smile because you trust God has it in His ever capable hands?

Guys don't stand a chance...

2009-03-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

After sitting for the best part of 10 hours of my day watching Pride and Prejudice and similar films I came to the probably unrevolutionary conclusion that in this life, in this age...guys have it tough and guys don't stand a chance!!

We, (woman kind) have ideals and the chick flick industry and fantastic writers like Jane Austen capture those ideals and give them to us on a platter of literary or indeed film genius. The kind of thing that gets all women eating chocolate and wishing their lives were more like that of Elizabeth Bennet, but instead end up having the life more similar to Bridget Jones.

I recall so many conversations that I've had with my father, complaining about "why hasn't he said this?" and "why on earth did he do this?" and "doesn't he understand?" And so many times my father looks at me with a serious face and says "We're men. We're not supposed to get it right." Or along similar lines, to be honest mostly the answer is a simple "We're men" and yeah, he's got a point, how are guys meant to live up to the ideals that women paint.

Jane Austen has got it down to a tee, and that's why I love her books, it's what every (unfeminist) girl loves, the dream of being swept of her feet and having someone fight for you against all the odds, but in the real world...it's just not always realistic. Too often I probably have fallen subject to the delusion theory that one day I will be like Elizabeth Bennet...marry a rich handsome Mr Darcy!! But there comes a point in one's life where you have to look realistically and reassess things.

I've seen all 3 of my brothers struggle at times with women (we're complicated creatures) and they always will. (They're men!) But I'm fed up of idealising how it's all going to be, I'm sure he'll try his best and at the end of the day, no woman ever makes it easy for a man. Ok, so I may be being far too severe on my own sex and far too patronising to the opposite. But I think it is time then we gave men a break, trust me you won't hear this again. But for the moment while my temperature is up and I can blame it on illness there it is...women need to stop idealising and make it easier for guys.

BUT I will say this-there's nothing wrong with a challenge and fighting for us(not to be seen as merely a challenge), being too easy and just letting go of all inhibitions...just not good. I guess I'm not being altogether very coherent and most probably contradictory but "I'm a woman...you're not meant to understand!!".

I just think it's time we see what my father's wise words mean...

"We're just men."-that says it all ;)

Pitter Patter of Feet...

2009-03-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks since I've been back at uni. Emotionally I've been taking a beating and the devil has loved it I'm convinced. Going back for my best friend's wedding, was beautiful, I loved being there to share her (and his) special day and see her marry the man she loves. And yeah at weddings you suddenly remember how single you are, when everyone and I mean everyone seems to have someone...I'm sure most of them are hired just for that day...like the Wedding Date-blatantly based on a true story! But yeah, digressed slightly there...

So, have been feeling emotionally drained, ok been feeling low (lets be honest now!) but I woke up one morning and a new hope, a new motivation, a new look on life hit me...the scan for my brother and sister-in-law's baby.

They had their 12 week scan and sent through the pictures, and there I just saw this miracle right before my eyes, a 15cm all living, all breathing magnificent baby-with its feet in the air and hands my his/her head chilling away in her womb. Amazing. It's incredible, something so small growing inside of her and that in 6 months it'll be out in the world...and I'll be an Auntie. God knows this child already, before any of us even know its sex. How astounding is that?!

So, my mood lifted and so did the music...from quietly depressing to joyful music...and a new thought process...I'm going to be an Auntie and God is amazing!! That baby has got to be one of the most amazing miracles ever, all babies are...we all are.

Hazy shade of mind...

2009-03-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

I have not written much recently, but it does not mean that my mind hasn't been full of thoughts or my life no longer full of dilemmas. In fact, both are the reasons why I haven't written recently, my mind has been too full to put into comprehensible words, actually the number of drafts I have has begun to pile up with the number of unfinished entries to match the number of unfinished thoughts I appear to have.

Let's start with my current state of mind, and believe me it's an odd one. The essay due for tomorrow) has once again drained me of all optimism, strength and brain cells, I can no longer process what it is I am meant to write, but perhaps after blogging and getting all this weight off my mind there will be (somewhere at the back) some remnants of helpful essay thoughts. In my utter desperation and helplessness I slumped on my desk with my head in my hands, utterly stuck and it was when a friend hugged me and held me that it hit me, there are three things anyone needs to survive in this life.

God. Whilst curled up, like a child on my bed, trying to take myself somewhere else I asked God never to leave me and he replied "I never have and I never will". Good, because I cannot cope without Him, I cannot do this whole uni thing without Him. He is my rock.
Friends and Family-they count as one, because your family should be your friends too. Without the physical presence of friends and someone to hold you and just lay there next to you and just be there, you'd feel more alone and upset than before.
Character. You have to have character to get through this life, passivity will get you nowhere and it is only by trying that we succeed or fail. Either way.

These are the things I believe I need and I have to get through life. Every time I look on my ceiling I see these words "NEVER GIVE UP" and I smile, because I know that it is there for moments like that. So, with my mind slowly becoming less hazy I'm once again going to try at this essay.

I just want to stand on a mountain or run across a valley and feel freedom again, not my gilded cage of essays and uni work. I'm a first year student, and I'm sure no-one else felt like this, being an English student makes it worse I'm sure, because I give way to poetic license far too often! Next time I blog, I'll fill you in on all the rest...Yippee!!

Relationships...

2009-02-28T06:01:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday was a long day of getting up early and working hard, it was a beautiful day and one cannot help but smile when the sun is out. To me everything seems better in the world, people seem happier, they look better and there is just something about God's glorious sun that makes you want to get up, go outside and admire nature...well it does for me anyway! I can't wait 'til summer!!

Yesterday I had a really good conversation with a friend, who is also my ex boyfriend. Now you're either thinking one of two things at this point...oh dear the dreaded ex or ooo the ex eh? Neither would be right, 'the ex' has been given such negative connotations that to so many people it seems odd being good friends with them. But I thinking about it after, if every relationship is based on friendship (which I fully believe it should be) then why does the friendship not last after the relationship for so many? Sometimes it is clear that there are still feelings and hurt but if all ended relatively well and there are no feelings left other than those of friendship-why should it be viewed strangely?

All that aside, I come now to my point which my friend brought up...he said something along the lines of 'you need someone that can spiritually lead even you' now that's slightly paraphrased but the emphasis was pretty much the same. It wasn't said maliciously, I know my friend and he is the sort of blunt friend you need to help put perspective into things. Whether you agree or not I still think it's important that the man leads, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable and being that damsel in distress every now and again-I'm pretty sure guys like to step up to the challenge of being chivalrous.

My friend has a perfect example of this...Whilst in London on one of the escalators she fell over and lost her shoe, her shoe went flying across the station. Hobbling to go get it a man picks up the shoe and not only gives it to her, but kneels down and places it on her foot and walks on. Cinderella or what? He could have walked on, walked past but he was a true gentleman and helped 'the damsel in distress'.

It's not inferior to be vulnerable, every woman needs their hero likewise every man needs a woman "Behind every good man, there is a woman". I like to think and hope that chivalry still exists and hasn't vanished, that there are guys out there who will be a gentleman. So guys, don't let chivalry die out, it never goes unnoticed.

I'd want a guy that could make decisions, that could be relied upon and would be able to help me when I needed it, but that does sometimes mean that we have to step back and give them the chance, encourage them where necessary and be supportive.

From a christian point of view, it is so important that both people are spiritually on fire, otherwise one could drag the other down (so to speak) and then both would end up in a place where neither wants to go. Personally, I'd want to be led by someone who was strong in theology and one that could teach me a lot, yet I could teach them things to, about being pastoral about my gifts, and bring whatever it is that I have to offer. I want someone who will keep me safe spiritually and in the normal day things. Every guy loves to be protective and every girl loves to feel protected.

I used to think having a relationship had to be practical, had to start at a good time, at a good age, in the right place, but now I know relationships are not practical and maybe they never will be. They are time consuming and draining and it takes a lot to put yourself on the edge, but it's all fully worth it...every moment makes it. Practicality is a very minor part of relationships, at least that's what I've learnt.

A relationship is not just...let's see how it goes or I like you and you like me...it's about the future-can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? Otherwise, what's the point? You've had your few months, your few years and then what? You break up and that whole time was just spent giving part of your heart away, another part of your heart that some lucky person could have had? I used to think I could do what my brother had done and the first relationship I had would be the last, the first kiss and the last...but now, my path has led me somewhere new. My best friend is getting married soon and she got her fairy tale relationship, but for me it's just not like that.

We all have our paths to follow, mine is something new, something different, something tailor fitted for me and only God know what it is and who will be with me. Thank goodness he knows my size, shape and my perfect match! My heart is in capable hands with Him.

"I can't get no sleep" [Faithless]...

2009-02-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

I went to go for an early night, yet my heart and mind were having none of it. They were full of thoughts, crushing me and getting to the point of implosion if not explosion!

It's amazing how many little lessons I seem to learn in one day, well at least my blog will be different daily! I have been back 3 days and already I am feeling drained-emotionally and physically. There are a few cures in life that work for me when it comes to clearing my head...

Run. You're adrenaline is pumping, music blaring-spurring you on, wind rushing in your face and with every heavy foot step another problem is gone. (Until you stop)
Walking. Walking and talking it through and praying takes it all away, brings a peace, a freedom and a time of reflection. Time to think.
Water. Free flowing water, whether it be a shower or the rain, it pouring over you seems to 'wash' every care away, makes you feel cleaner...better

I've done all three tonight, as I have been so angry (I'm ashamed to say) with people and with life and dare I say it with my loving and faithful God. I was strongly aware of the injustice I felt for being scapegoated and made some strong melodramatic and irrational claims whilst walking and talking.

As much as I love university there are times where I wish I were somewhere else, but this is where I'm meant to be. After half an hour of walking at a ridiculously late hour on my own (my mother would be appalled!), I headed back and felt at peace again. Only to feel stifled by my 4 walls reminding me of the anger I had, but I opened the window, prayed and I am at peace again, bad feelings all gone.

No early night, but my head will hit the pillow and sleep will be gladly received.

Once again I've learnt to rely on God and that without Him I have nothing and am nothing-which may seem a strange concept, but He is my soul purpose.

What's yours?

Too many topics for a simple title...

2009-02-23T10:14:00.001-08:00

No rest for the wicked or indeed for the saved!

I knew coming back to uni would mean that drama would soon be on the horizon but I never dreamed/thought that it would hit early on a Monday morning! I woke up to a shocking text and the remnants of the drama left at home, but also I woke up to a Facebook email that was encouraging and answered plenty of questions and to be honest choked me a little!

It's just nice to know (as I have said previously) that someone is thinking of you and is happy to give advice and happy to listen and answer any problems or questions I have, whether it's out of genuine care or nosiness...it's lovely to feel loved! That's one thing I must encourage you on (reader, whoever you may be) if you ever feel like you should randomlly talk to someone, send a letter, just send something saying thinking of you or whatever, do it. Because I can't think of any time, where someone would not appreciate it.

...

God is having a field day! Literally He must be loving this funny chain of events, and just loving how I'm going to react. Testing me over and over again, as if not getting what I wanted wasn't enough, He is now giving me excess of what I don't want.

(I'm remaining cryptic)

WOW! Someone at uni has just got engaged which is bizarre because a few months ago everything was so different, so me shining as a single woman is definately getting harder and I think God knows this.

God knows I want a relationship, God knows I want someone to love me and be there for me and me to want to do the same and more to the point God is giving me the opportunities, but none that I want and when I think about it-He is teaching me to be patient.

Patience-that horrible word that I have learnt time and time again, but God still feels He needs to teach me, just because it makes me push harder into Him and lean further into Him and makes me amazingly uncomfortable! Gradually hour by hour as the talk of fiancees and boyfriends gets talked of more and more, the more I need God, the more likely it is that I will end up on my knees.

Being single is hard and it is my adventure for the next...goodness knows how long.

So how does one cope with it?

Like I said run to God, lean into Him, be patient.

One day, many years from now (I'm sure!) I may look back and wish for singleness again, for time to myself and time to look out for just me. I will look back as I have done previously and be proud of the lesson(s) I've learnt in patience.

A week of adventure...

2009-02-22T06:28:00.000-08:00

What a week?!

Highs and lows and moments where you need to catch your breath! What a fantastic week though, despite both the highs and the lows God has blessed me with an action packed, emotional rollercoaster! I love that it was so busy-meeting with people, socialising and bonding.

My weekend was fantastic, Friday I got to go pubbing and clubbing and despite emotional burdens coming down heavy on me I managed to dance the night away and come back smiling! Was a great night, full of moments that I look back on with a smile. The hen do on Saturday again was a fantastic day and despite being surrounded by married and 'taken' women I found it surprisingly unsuffocating and although I'd love what everyone one of them has, being single is my adventure for right now as today has told me...

I woke up this morning after having an unrestful last hour of sleep, I felt nervous and my gut instinct was "something's going to happen today" women's intuition is a fascinating thing? God is fantastic-He warned me.

God met with me strongly in the worship as I tried to push on into Him and lay all my troubled thoughts and nerves on to Him. The end song was a crucial part for me, singing "arms high and heart abandoned...my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours..." I sung with all my heart and as loudly as possibly with my arms stretched to the full, the inevitable that was to come at the end of the meeting now was in God's hands (it always was), but I had let go and give it to Him...my eyes fully on God. The nerves were still partially there, coming and going but when God spoke to me about what was going to happen, it wasn't good news but it was news I could prepare for nevertheless and although upsetting I was at peace.

(By the way, I'm not going to mention what all the nerves were about because it's too easy to get into in depth details and that wouldn't be fair for all involved, including me!)

When it came to it, my God was a faithful God and I was ready, I tried to act calm yet as always my mouth was dry and my heart racing, but God is a faithful God (as I've said) and He had answered my prayers, I wanted more information on a situation and He answered my prayer...could have made it easier for me though!! So although the news I received and chatted about and went through was disappointing, upsetting and maybe a little confusing, God had prepared me for it and I am ready to go back to uni-do not want to explain it all though.

My walk home was the opposite to what I thought it would be, I thought my thoughts would be dark and full of bitter disappointment, would have been focused on the negative. Instead praise was on my lips and a joy in my heart! Not because the situation called for it but because I was struck by God's love and how He is an integral part of our lives. I want to focus on God, give Him my all, just like others I know do to. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we think is 'right' or what feels like 'human instinct' and keep our eyes on our Heavenly Father.

This entry is already far too long but I'm bursting with praise, God answered my prayers this week and weekend, I got the conversation I wanted, the time I wanted, I spent a week with the people I wanted and God gave me clarity. How can I not be full of praise? When there are situations that are disappointing, we need to run to God and I do still believe that what I want to happen, will happen, just not now. I have a faithful God who has helped me guard my heart and mind and although it often wanders it always comes back to Him. It is in these situations that God wants us to find Him and draw closer to Him...so when it comes to it will you run to Him or run away?

MY GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!
If you doubt that...you don't know my God and you need to know Him better and deeper.

Limbo and a little pick me up...

2009-02-18T14:47:00.001-08:00

University, I've been told is one of the best times of your life and probably the most challenging.

Coming home again reaffirms how tough it is, as you neither feel whole at home or at uni, you feel a little bit is missing when you're at home-uni and when you're at uni you feel a little bit is missing-home. This week is rapidly vanishing and the time I'm spending no longer seems to be my own, it's full of work and meeting with people. Whereas back at uni I know I will have too much time and so little to do. I'd rather be back at uni but at the same time rather be here-I'm in limbo.

But in a time of over analysing, far too many thoughts and so little time, it is a true blessing to get a message from a friend (who you haven't spoken to in a while) that says just the right things. Says those few words that you want to hear at a time like this...

I received a message likewise today and it was so touching, just to know that someone is thinking of you, enough so to send you a message and just to say that they are there for you and love you. It was just what I needed to read, a reassuring message because it's nice to know that someone understands! What a blessing!

It made me realise that I need to send a letter to a girl who is sinking fast into the trap of an unhelpful relationship, where she already feels she may have gone too far and her own self-esteem seems in tatters. Maybe just sending her a letter telling her how beautiful she is and valued will help her find her identity not in him but in God, by sharing my past experiences (I'm not saying I have had loads, but I've had one that may help) maybe she'll feel like someone understands, and sometimes that's all it takes...

One person to listen, one person to try, one person who can inspire, motivate and change a life.

Emotional Rollercoaster...

2009-02-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

I seem to have so many drafts from writing over the last couple of days but not publishing them, I guess that kind of reflects my mood recently. This time being back home has not been the fairy tale I thought it would be and my thoughts as a result have been all over the place and bouncing from one subject to another as rapid as light and sound you might say. Part of me wishes that I could tell you of all these thoughts, but I know that if I get too personal someone will either find my details and call the mental asylum or any friends that read this will cut all links with me and I will be alone.

I went to bed talking to God and I finally made a decision about a very important situation in my life at the moment, one that it if I continue to keep God in the centre will hopefully be easier to bear and will hopefully keep my heart guarded and prevent its being broken. But that decision was a tough one and I still fear that I will not be able to deal with it...but anything is possible with Christ who strengthens me.

It's funny, God knows exactly how we feel and knows what we're going through...but (this has just struck me) how does he know about "guy problems", Jesus never liked a guy, Jesus never had to guard his heart from 21st century guys, although he did know the challenges of being single.

But God created my emotions and knows all my fine tuning (Psalm 139 is proof), I guess that answers my question then . The one thing I can say positively is that despite only having been home for 3 days, what I am learning is equipping me for life back at uni.

At Emerge I felt pressed to bring something, it was like a burning sensation all through my body a heavy burden like none I've ever experienced, I've never felt so scared in my life, my body was shaking all over and it was so humbling to be brought down to such a vulnerable level just to bring God's prophetic word. Even after bringing it I was nervous and shaking, I couldn't compose myself for a long time, God shook me up and helped me to finally use my gift of the prophetic instead of keeping in. It's so easy to desire a growth in gifts, to desire to be a mighty prophet, a mighty healer, but it requires sacrifice, humbling yourself and yesterday God took my normal confident self and made me see that I need to be humble and make myself vulnerable sometimes. Yet I ask Him this...why can I not cry in front of people, and make myself vulnerable that way? It would be easier! I am vulnerable in front of my Lord and in the long run that is all that matters, it is not asked of me to be vulnerable in front of anyone else.

Reader, I said I would not be personal, and as you have read the above I think it is clear I have touched upon the personal, but that is just the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid, there is so much more depth to me.

Just a snippet of how complex a woman's mind can be...sorry!

Music never seems to help in these cases either, it's always the sad songs that come on, that make you more pensive about the thing you were desperately trying to forget or they just make you feel down for no reason. You then end up in a cycle of feeling the same way, until the mood passes and then magically all the happy songs start to play!

Sometimes I wish I were more musically minded, so then I could write songs instead of sub standard poems and blogs! But while I have a love of writing I might as well stick to the writing I know...in blogs, poems, stories and letters.

Valentine's Day...

2009-02-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

It just wouldn't be Valentine's Day, if us singletons didn't blog about it as well, can't let all you hitched and happy couples take all the glory of the day!

It is usual for most singles to be cynical about Valentine's Day and yes I am no different, I do think it is an over commercialised day that makes us singletons feel worse and the loved up couples feel better. Aside from that however, like most women I'm sure, I do dream of being 'swept off my feet' and having a romantic boyfriend/husband-like those in Jane Austen novels-that write down their feelings...in letters! Letters-that old school way of writing, not an email or a text.

Deviating HUGELY, it's amazing how much technology has changed our lives, everyone has phones, from the 10 year old school kid to the 80 year old pensioner. Nothing seems personal anymore, I love getting letters, there's just something so personal about them, something about the fact that someone has taken the time and effort to write down their thoughts and send it to you.

Short and sweet...just like Valentine's Day.

Life is a rollercoaster...you've just got to ride it?

2009-02-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

I don't particularly expect this entry to be very coherent, so if you read this and feel clueless and confused you're pretty much in the state I'm in only better off!

Today has (to use the cliche) been a rollercoaster, it began with low motivation for church, as it always does because sleep is becoming more and more of an addiction. But once up and when actually at church I loved it! It was great to know more than just one person and the walk as always was refreshing and got my blood pumping ready for a time of fellowship and basking in God's presence. Great meeting, even told someone about the church and the meetings, whilst helping a friend on car parking duty...so all good!! Then I got halfway home and realised that I had left my bible and notebook at the school (building where church is held) and I felt so upset, lost and frustrated that the rest of the walk home was spent feeling down about it. Thinking how having spent a whole preach learning about focusing on God-how this is meant to help me? I guess me praying and talking to God about it was the first step on that path to focusing on God. Probably his irony of now my Bible's gone and I miss it even though a week ago I rarely picked it up and wouldn't have noticed if it had gone missing anyway. I do love God's irony! (I got a text later saying someone had picked it up for me-Hallelujah!)

Then went to pub for the pub quiz and enjoyed relaxing there etc and then was surprised when my friends (incl. boyf and friend) from back home came down, which was the bumpiest journey of all to put it simply-to show God's glory in the situations that happened was a challenge. All I'm going to say is two males and a lot on show and little to the imagination! (I'm a little traumatised) and it was a challenge!

So what did I learn today other than the impurity of the world...I learnt that I need God in ALL things, in EVERY circumstance and I need Him to help me through...that's a God focused life.

A world falling apart...

2009-02-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

I know this seems to be the usual subject for me, besides guys and the general problems of life. Compassion for girls...

I watched a documentary on The Most Enhanced Women presented by Mark Dolan a little graphic but it's worth a watch,within the first 5 minutes I immediately judged these women in getting breast enhancements just for men, just for a way to earn money, but as the documentary continued it came more and more apparent that these women were trapped. Trapped in a life where they weren't happy with themselves and the way they look.

The last woman that was showed on the documentary was the saddest of all...her up-bringing was one of pain and having grown up with 11 other kids and a sick mum she clearly was overlooked and didn't receive the attentions she needed/wanted. She tried to kill herself and although was later saved by an inspirational person her life was dedicated to perfection, she was seeking perfection and wanted to feel good in herself-yet that is impossible and I can't help thinking that she would only find out that realism when it was too late and she's knocking on death's door.

The more upset she got the more my heart tugged at the thought that this beautiful woman was throwing her life and money away on the impossible quest of perfection..I just wish that these women saw the fact that they are beautiful naturally.

Although my self-esteem is low and that I wish I could alter some parts of me every now and again, watching the documentary made me just want to change women! Change women's thoughts, I get angry at how women are degrading themselves in the search for perfection, there is no such thing!! This world is tainted and there is no concept as perfection, perfection is unrealistic.

What can be done to help these women??

Is there any way??

For me, I think I need to learn to embrace the way God made me and live with it, to not think about how I can aim for perfection but to aim for what I'm meant to aim for...realism. I want to be counter cultural and do something that changes the minds of women.

I'm starting to get the feeling that God may be putting this on my heart!!

Fear...

2009-02-04T07:23:00.000-08:00

Thinking about the future always seems a scary prospect for some. Me? Well, i know that my future is in the steady hand of God, so that should mean I'm not worried about it.

But me being me, I needlessly worry about my future as a secondary school teacher, I want to do this 3/4 week placement in a secondary school, and it sounds like a fantastic opportunity that will serve me well in the future, but that's just it, I don't think I could do it, I love the idea of finally being a secondary school teacher and of having a class and being settled but I never thought about the work , the sacrifices, the fear I'd have to go through to get to that place.

My naivety has once again taken over and the romantic notions about how easy it'll be to get to being an English teacher have taken me to a different place and now I've been taken back down to ground level and I'm scared. Scared that I won't be good at it, that it won't work etc.

My confidence at the moment is taking its usual battering, constantly challenging me and asking me whether if I should do this or do that? What will he/she think? Whether I can actually do this degree, sitting doing my essay I am increasingly aware of my sub standard language, never up to the standard I'd like.

Yet there's this reassuring voice telling me that this is what I'm meant to do and it is in God's plan. So why does fear take over so much of our lives, I know I am a culprit of it!?

Having faith in God should mean that all fear is taken away, so why is it that the world still manages to dig its claws in and rip that faith apart so often?

But you know what? Matthew had the right idea...

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34 (ESV)

I think The Message version puts it bluntly...

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Fear, don't let it take you, because a life half lived due to fear is no life at all.

Identity...

2009-01-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

"We Enter Relationships As A Somebody And Leave Them As A Nobody"

was the name that popped up on my computer as a friend signed in today, and it got me thinking about identity. Clearly she seemed to think that she only had an identity or was somebody when she was in a relationship and that once that was taken away she was a nobody.

When are girls going to learn that relationships and guys don't define who we are? They may just aid us in the life long journey of helping bring out our character more. There is such a sense of self-worthlessness nowadays. I was watching a programme earlier with 5 people who all struggled with self-esteem and the things they did in order to cover it up-literally.

Why is it that people so often put their identity in places and people that are no good for them, I know that I myself struggle with identity, that I'd love a relationship and a guy but to base all my life and personality on that person? To be so ruled and subjected to such a person seems strange to me. It shouldn't be other people that define our identity, they can help influence it and help us grow but define us? Practically own our identity-no, that's not how it's meant to be.

My heart is constantly aching for the girls of this world who struggle with identity and I am not pretending I know who I am completely, but I'm happy to know that I am a child of God and that I was made this way for a reason (what reason-I don't know). It's getting harder and harder to spend my life watching these girls get more and more obsessed with hair, make-up, image, guys etc, but what can I do? I want to make a difference, to be different but how?

One thing that stuck out in this documentary I watched was this quote from a guy, talking about women wearing make-up and that it wasn't needed:

"The only time a guy notices if a girl is wearing make-up is when she's wearing too much. We wouldn't notice it if you only had a bit on."-They wouldn't notice-meaning they'd think you're beautiful anyway! So why slap LOADS on?

My challenge: love yourself for yourself and don't spend a lifetime of trying to impress someone else, they should love you for you. Be radical-wear make-up on special occasions, so a guy falls in love with your real face and is pleasantly surprised when he sees you even more dolled up. Even I can learn from that as well.

Time for a Breather?

2009-01-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

WOW! What a challenging weekend full of inspirational talks, challenges, an amazing time enjoying God's presence and a wonderful time of fellowship.

I did have a few wrong motivations for going, but having brought them before the Lord, I know that however many wrong motives I had at least I was honest enough to bring them to him. Either way, He blessed me with an amazing weekend and teaching that was "coincidentally" relevant! More likely Godincidental!

The teaching was done by Steve Tibbert, David Stroud and Terry Virgo...

Steve began the weekend by giving some background as to how life was before the freedom of the spirit became "acceptable" and how the generation before ours had different battles to face and how they affronted them.

David Stroud's main meeting preach inspired me to consider church planting, something I think I've always been interested in, but perhaps need to think more about in the future and need to pray into. Having seen both Ben and Jon in church plants, there is an appeal to it-having seen both sides of the fence as it were.

His student and twenties meeting was one of the major thought-provokers of the weekend asking that convicting question:

What race are you running and how are you running it?

He instantly suggested-to get a degree for the glory of God and I was instantly like "If anyone asks I'll steal that one!" But having thought more about it at the time and later on, I realised that I need to think harder as to what my race is and what I'm aiming for...eventually heaven but before death parts me-What am I heading for? There are I believe several races I need to run in order to reach that glorious finish line. Like stages in the Tour de France.

I do want to get a degree and then go on to inspire and motivate teenagers to make something of their lives, through teaching English. Where? I'd love the challenge of inner city London schools and then later church planting? A different nation? Africa? Marriage. Children-to pass wise words on (as well as good looks obviously!) and have those proud parental moments.

David Stroud was full of challenges this weekend that really cut to the heart and sent conviction rushing through my blood...

How do we achieve extraordinary things for Jesus?

Are you prepared to throw off the good to achieve the great?

this one particularly:

Are you prepared to be your own person/the person Jesus wants you to be?

Too often have I hidden and attempted to grow in the shadow of my family, and whilst parts of my identity are built within them, university is surely the perfect place in which to get into the sunshine and start to grow. You need courage to be yourself.

What it boils down to is this...what are we focusing on? We need to focus on God-because when we focus on the bad things that's all we see and it all feels too much.

When we focus on God everything else fits into its exact place, not like when we take over and try and jam a jigsaw piece in the right spot which is blatantly wrong.

Today's last meeting was Terry Virgo, a person that at a younger age I would have complained at having to sit through, but now older and more mature, I could see the anointing God has on his life and the wisdom he shared was excellent. His challenges made me tear up during the preach and feel this tug, that was prophesied before hand by Wendy. A tug that I need to be in Canterbury, that Sidcup and NCC is not my home for now, and that I may go back one day and return but for now, right now Canterbury needs to be my home.

The weekend helped put into perspective what my focus needs to be on, so much of the time it appears to be on the same old things, the same person I like and the same old issues of work and self-esteem. But if I just focus my eyes on God I will see nothing else-like looking into the sun directly.

So no, this is not the time to take a breather, I've had my chance, now is the time to take the plunge, the focus on that sea floor that I'm diving for. To look to God, to let all other things wash over me, to let God take control of work, love and life.

A friend in need...

2009-01-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

In crisis situations it's amazing to see how they all pan out and who does what. Everyone seems to team together and perhaps all signs of previous tensions dissipate and people unite.

To see someone you know and love in pain is horrible, to see them cry is even more so-particularly when it's a rarity. I've never really met a braver or stronger person than this one, she amazed me at how much she was willing to go through not to make a fuss and how much she tried to fight the pain.

In the situation that occurred tonight, it helped me see that friendships are important, and I'd like to think if it were me in her position I'd have people like she did and you know what? I do. I saw it tonight and I would truly do almost anything for these guys just to see them better or happier. I felt so helpless, and to me I could only offer prayer, which seemed ridiculous at the time. I was busy praying in my head, mumbling, and then out of character for me and a complete revelation I offered to pray out loud and to my surprise she said go for it and others agreed. It may not have helped the outcome overall, but I do believe for a moment there was a peace in that room that made everyone feel a little bit more at ease. It was amazing. Thank you God, for giving me courage and for protecting my friend and thank you for the amazing friends you've blessed me with.

The rest of the night consisted of the waiting game, we discussed Plan A and Plan B, withdrew money, bought energy food and planned how to get to wherever with what we had. Without someone with me I would have worried to death and felt on edge all night, but a friend with me is a friend indeed and a friend at a time of need is a very good friend indeed.

Friendship is a thing to cherish and it is truly an amazing thing to know someone will be there for you when you need them most.

When you get left out...make sure you get left in...

2009-01-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

Only a quick one, my head hurts and I feel shattered, which sucks because I decided not to go out with friends and to sleep instead(which I will do once I'm off of here).

But recently I feel as though my closest friends are beginning to slip away and I feel more left out. Sometimes it is my fault-where there are so many changes and I've failed to keep up with them.

The more things they do, the more I feel I have to keep up with them and the more I feel like I'm getting pushed to the side. I enter in and feel like I'm interrupting something. So what does one do?

Do you give up, find new people, spend all your time alone? I can't do that.

So you have to get back in "the game" and trying harder, trying to be around more and sacrificing the little things.

My next latest challenge is my church's w/e away do I go despite it's not my church anymore, it's just the one I grew up in? What are my reasons for going? What will I get out of it?

Life is full of decisions, like me deciding to walk to church today, was amazing. Sitting by the river in the peace and quiet and reading or deciding to get an early night, so that I can cope for the rest of the week despite having had tonnes of sleep already this weekend.

We all make so many decisions, some that make a big difference and others that are inconsequential, seemingly.

In the quiet place...

2009-01-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Having posted the address for my blog on Facebook, (for reasons unknown) I must now have the sense to not be quite so personal and certainly not so obvious in stating events and situations and to not disclose too many particulars!

I've not been very busy since I last wrote, but that does not mean my faith has not been tested and that challenges have not come my way, indeed quite the opposite. Aside from the relatively mundane life of going into uni and coming out there have been tests of friendship, sanity and maturity that I have had to deal with. Drama again, it never seems to depart.

Positively, I have had a good deal of time to myself, something I longed to improve on in this second term. It may sound selfish and anti-social but it is always nice to have some time to oneself! In this time I've managed to reflect and given particular subjects to God, for His hands are the most capable I know of and I have been truly blessed from doing such a thing, already. Isn't it amazing how God blesses us, despite being so undeserving?

But changing subject rapidly and bringing it down a level in negativity-although quiet times are beneficial and spending time with God or relaxing is important and priority I feel I miss out on the bonds that are built between friends and also I feel like I get more and more pushed to the side. But despite these negative thoughts I am inclined to look at the positive and hope that my quiet times will continue to improve and that through, this my bonds with others will improve as blessing. Is that too selfish to ask?

Back in Canterbury...

2009-01-12T04:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back reader. Back in the place where I know I should be, with a pinch of sadness for the place and the people I left behind but an optimism that will help me stay motivated and focused on God hopefully.

I've been hit with illness already so day 1 hasn't been the greatest start, I've spent most of the day sleeping and feeling groggy as my head continually throbs to its own crazy beat.

What I left behind in hindsight will still be there when I come back, my supportive family who I thank the Lord to have been blessed with:

A mum who prayed with me and wrote me a card.

A dad who helps me academically and prays for me.

Brothers and sisters-in law (surrogate sister incl.) who pray and support me.

Without my family life would be a lot harder, I think of all the people out there who are not as fortunate as me to have the incredible family I have and I thank God for this awesome blessing!

It's been nice to catch up with everyone and hear all their latest stories, the majority being of a new 'love' in their lives. Depressing in the sense that I have as yet, no boyfriend etc but then you look in the grand scheme of things and you think...how many of these relationship are actually purposely heading for or are likely to reach marriage? A goal that I can wait patiently for.

I've already said I'd go to New Year Celebration in cell on Thursday, Church Membership night and possibly a big church event. So life in the church is looking more and more positive! Start as you mean to go on!

So this is how life in Canterbury starts...

Packing Life into Boxes, again...

2009-01-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

I have the perfect surrounding for this post...sitting against my radiator in my bare and empty bedroom with only one light on in the corner and Phil Collins playing in the background!!

I'm struggling to compete with the actual reality that I have to go back to Canterbury in about half an hour, I'm nervous because tensions were definately mounting last term and to be honest in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment I just want to get some work done and get this degree over with.
I know that when I get back I'll soon settle back down into the norm of the life I left behind a month ago, but as for right now? Rational thinking has been thrown out of the window.

Just packing my life away to continue the other life at uni gets me emotional, I had to come before God on my knees and cry just to let it out, and even now I have tears welling up at the thought that I have to go back, I'm not sure what it is that upsets me. Dearest reader, please don't think me melodramatic, because as of now this is the vulnerable state I am in. With distant thoughts of unimportant things in my head also.

My life here is comfortable and fun, people know me and I know them. I live a relatively easy life with food and money a blase thing. Church=easy. Interacting=easy. Time alone=easy. Guys=never easy! ha ha.

Reader, if you had seen the size of my head you'd be amazed at how much I can fit in such a small head!! One of God's many wonderments!

I almost feel like running away from reality or perhaps living in Sidcup all my life with the same people and never growing up, think there's a place like that actually. Hmmmm...Neverland perhaps, think it's in the Bermuda Triangle somewhere-lots of chavs I hear. Wow, I am sad, I actually chuckled at that!

Life seemed to have taken a great turn over this w/e and I guess on the optimistic side, it's a great way to end it. My whole family being around was amazing and just felt so nice to have them all around me again, especially as going back I'll have none of them.

Oh dear, the tears are back.

But what I take solace in is this...My God loves me, He told me so today and no matter how scared, worried or lonely I feel He is always there even when I'm let down by friends, He's still there. He'll be with me when my parents leave me tonight in that cold room that seems so bare and lonely. He'll be there when I catch up with friends tonight, He'll be there when I sleep tonight.

He'll always be there and He always has. My steadfast and loving, incredible friend like no other.

Short but maybe not so sweet...

2009-01-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

Got the party tonight and my self esteem is low as usual before most parties, but especially fancy dress ones. It is a real skill to have something really stupid on and still manage to pull it off, a skill I feel I haven't got. Tonight I think most of the girls will be wearing dresses all vintage/retro but all looking awesome! I have the dilemma of wearing a 50's dress feeling pretty and perhaps blending in OR a 70's all in one jumpsuit and trying to look pretty in the process.

I'm going to wear the latter because it is 70's and is more fancy dress than the first, and yeah I'll act as if I feel good in it. But secretly I'll be wishing most of the night to look like the other girls and perhaps regret wearing it at all! What a difficult life us girls appear to have! Such a trivial matter, but hey if I can pull this off perhaps I'll feel better about myself by the end. Alternatively it could have the opposite effect!

Only a quick one, beauty takes time...

Two completely random topics...

2009-01-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a long day and I didn't manage to fit in everything I wanted to fit in, but I managed to see a friend who I haven't caught up with in a while, it was good to catch up with her actually.

Especially as she's the reason that I decided to change my ways and become a better friend, then I was to her, she was the person that told me where I had done her wrong and without those blunt words I probably would have carried on being a bad friend to my new friends now. So in a way, whether she knows it or not she's my inspiration/motivation and the reason that I've become a new person.

It was great to catch up and see how we've grown up and it really does make you think how quickly life goes by particularly as she's getting married in June. It just goes to show, that life goes by so quickly and it shows even more so that we should take as many opportunities as possible and not be ruled by fear.

On a completely different note and far from the original topic...I'm feeling rather hesitant about going back to Canterbury, probably (as previously mentioned I'm sure) it is so easy to be comfortable here, to feel like I fit in and have a good group of friends. I'm struggling to cope with the concept, that a. I will have to work when I get back and b. life will get that little bit harder. I almost can't imagine being back at uni and not feeling homesick, even though I managed to do the whole first term.It feels like I've taken a few steps forward and a thousand steps back and I'll be starting all over again.

On the up side other people are feeling the same. It just always seems that something good starts to happen and that's when my time ends and I have to go back. But for now I'm just going to REALLY enjoy myself tonight at the party and just enjoy it and hope that the next time I'm back, no-one will have forgotten me! I know Canterbury's where I'm meant to be, but I guess Sidcup is always going to be a place I will be so attached to.

Compassion...

2009-01-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

So I have three conversations up at the moment on msn and in the background a song that brings back painful memories, so naturally my mind is restless.

Two conversations are general banter, a series of sarcastic comments and witty repartee. The third is the gut wrenching story of how our world is breaking down and crumbling at the edges. And yet it is just a drop in the ocean, there are stories much worse and people feeling much worse, feeling helpless, if only they knew about their Saviour.

This girl's story is one that always touched me. I see it in her actions and hear it in her tone of voice or simply the words she is saying. She feels lost and lonely. She tells me that her boyfriend has just dumped her for "not telling him anything"-I smell insecurity or guilt and that there is simply more to that statement than she would have herself believe. She tells me that they broke up a while ago and he got with 3 other girls during the break up period...of just one week. And yet she is with him again? I think she's trapped, longing to be loved and feel security again as everything else has crumbled at her feet.

Here's the background...Her mum ran away, picked up her stuff and left. Her dad looked after her, she lost her friends through lies, became pregnant-got an abortion...mum got a fiance and had a son, her dad got married and her sister moved in with boyfriend. Dad now moving to France, Mum up north and sister in Hampshire.

And her? In limbo. Fancy feeling that stretched, no wonder she looks for love in the arms of a guy, I bet right now she feels so alone. Poor girl. If only she knew God.

...

I can count the number of girls who seek love and security in guys and always it seems, the wrong guys. I know many who are trapped in manipulative relationships, too blinded by love to see the reality and get free, until it's too late and half their life has been wasted. And those women that degrade themselves and make themselves believe they are worthless, and allow themselves to become doormats walked on by men.

I am not saying dear reader, that men are always to blame. Far from it, I am aware of what women can do, and both sexes are capable of heartache and heartbreak.

However my compassion in this post is simply this:
I want to see women freed, from a degrading, downward spiralling, low self-esteem dominated life. I want to see them released and able to rely on nothing but God and even if they won't believe in Him, I want to see them at least stand on their own two feet and realise that each one of us is precious. And there is a God who knows the very hairs on our heads and loves us all. I don't want to see girls get entangled in these lies, the lies of the world-that they will never be good enough, or look good enough, or will never be loved etc. Too many times I myself have been there and too many scars (mentally) have I received in the process.

Do I dream of the impossible and reach beyond my grasp?
It is not my place to say, but I guess faith in God is the perfect answer.

Pass or fail? Constant.

2009-01-08T02:04:00.001-08:00

Well, reader I failed my test. I hate that phrasing actually...I didn't pass my driving test. Over something pretty ridiculous, I caused a van to go up the kerb etc other than that I got 9 minors.
But like I said pass or fail, I actually did it, which is more than I would have done a year ago. God answered my prayers last night, I feel so much better this morning, He helped me as I was on my test, He blessed me with a nice examiner who chatted to me.

So despite feeling a little disappointed in myself there is so much to be thankful for. I have a God who loves me, who never left me this morning, who blessed me with a peace and I cannot be mad at Him, what right do I have. After all he has done for me, including sending His one and only son to die on the cross!? Can't get any more sacrificial than that!

I know I keep saying it but...how awesome is God, that He would be so faithful and loving.

A peace like no other...

2009-01-07T14:37:00.000-08:00

The night before my driving test, I was a little emotional/nervous but after being prayed for and praying also, the peace of God is now upon me and I'm pretty calm. How awesome is that, I know that tomorrow I will be nervous again, but I can pray again and through this I feel closer to God.

It's amazing how you can feel closer to God in times of need and it is so easy to ask for help, but what about all the other times? When everything is going well? He deserves just as much praise, yet sometimes we forget because of how well everything is going.

The best thing about tomorrow is...that I know that God will not desert me, He knows how it will go tomorrow, every thought, every decision I make and what greater hands to have it in? I can't survive without God, I don't understand how people go through life trusting themselves and that's it. I can't do it. I need God. That's all there is to it.

Tomorrow is not just a driving test, it's the chance for me to move on, to put behind me this fear, this crippling fear of all things new and scary, to put my faith and trust 100% in God and to see where it takes me.

Whether I pass or fail is no longer the point (although it is part of it) it's about how much I trust in God and whether I'm willing to put all I've got into Him. And yes, I am willing.

The test tomorrow is His. Now for a peaceful night-I have faith that I'll have one!

There is no strength like God's

2009-01-07T06:12:00.000-08:00

Having sat on the sofa today, duvet sprawled over me, head throbbing, aching all over and obviously looking undeniably great (sarcasm) it gives me time to reflect.

It makes me long for heaven where there will be no sickness HALLELUJAH!
"We will meet Him in the air, and then we will be like Him, for in His glory we will live..." as the song and scriptures say.
Of course, this could be the devil trying to win the battle over me, and the fact that my driving test is tomorrow. What desperate prayers I have prayed to my faithful and loving God. He has answered my prayers and caused me to stay calm over the last few days and not to worry.

For as it says in His word, "Do not worry about anything, but instead pray about everything and the peace of God, that passeth all understanding, will be upon you." (Paraphrased by moi) These are my favourite words and such helpful words also.

And may God give me strength in my test tomorrow, "For I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

As the new year begins, so do a whole new host of blogs. That will help aid me in writing down my feelings, as opposed to events that have happened and such trivial goings on.

2009 Targets...

2009-01-02T16:32:00.000-08:00

My targets/aims for 2009:

To fully focus on God and be continually passionate for him.

To become and continue being an active member of City church-get involved (youth work).

To not fall into the common female trap of thinking and worrying about males too much

To try my hardest at uni and work hard.

Rapidly changing subject, I went to my favourite place today (one of)...Foots Cray Meadows. It's fantastic to 'find' God as it were and hear him and be with them. Nature is wonderful and continues to amaze me and takes me back to the Maker and Creator. How can all of it just be created by the Big Bang, by something so ridiculously 'simple'?

Here's to the future...

2008-12-31T18:18:00.000-08:00

Rather fittingly (it being New Year's Day and all) this blog is about the future, 2009.

New Year's is the time to make resolutions you'll never keep, to reflect on the past year, to look forward to the year ahead.

Tonight was a good night, last year's New Year's was spent with one foot in the world and one foot out, me trying to straddle the line of Christianity and non-Christianity and pull it off-doesn't work. (Tonight:) I spoke to the people I wanted to speak to, got to know people better than before and saw new sides to them. (all good) I made new rational decisions and assumptions! And most importantly had a pretty good time.

Going into this new year, I will do what I failed to do last year but have done every other year previous, set myself yearly targets/goals, aims if you will for the coming year. So that when I look back on the year gone, I can see what I have achieved. I have one for life too, that carries on through the years. When my legs hurt less and the time is less ridiculous I will think of the aims and put them up.

Here's to the future, 2009 and a new year of blogging!